Blog entry for:

that recovery is working in my life unless i show them.
taking my recovery home, a great topic and one i have written on a few times. honestly, it is all about balance and for me, this all or nothing gig, was part of my life for so long, that i can see how i can and do get carried away with being everywhere BUT home. so practicing these principles in all my affairs, including my home life, feels like the next right thing to do.
moving on. as i sat last night and went over my day, i finally stumbled on to something that has been bothering me for quite some time. one of my peers, who shall remain unnamed, has got the notion in their head, that they need to share at every single meeting. moreover, they share about platitudes and vague generalities, and come off lecturing about how great recovery is, testifying as to what they happen to think one needs to do. their shares do not bother anyone else, so i figured it was and is, my problem, and i am correct in that. their plain Jane, vanilla shares about nothing of consequence is exactly where i once was. my motives for sharing about nothing, but trying to sound wise and insightful was FEAR. i was afraid that if i really let others in, i would have to kill them, after all, there is only so much intimacy a person can stand. i had some clean time, had worked a set of steps in this fellowship, knew the literature through repetition, so i certainly thought i knew a thing or two. once i “knew” something it was my duty to impart that knowledge on to all those who would listen, for it was so written! and so i did. my lectures about how the program worked miracles in my life, with little or no reference to what was going on in my life, was my style. sharing prolifically at every meeting was the manner in which i could reach the greatest audience and i felt good about practicing these principles in all my affairs, and letting all of the fellowship be a part of that.
time passes, step work continued and i learned that sometimes, just listening was more important that hearing the sound of my own voice, especially when i got all butt-hurt about someone having the nerve to text while i was sharing, then started playing on my phone and carrying on side conversations when the next member shared. integrity was for everyone else, can't you see that i am way fVcking beyond all of that? don't you know who the fVck i am? and on, and on, and on, never a concern for anyone else, for after all i AM the most important person in the room, did you not hear what i just said?
now do not get me wrong, i may be talking about the behavior of someone else, but that behavior mirrored my behavior at that time in my recovery journey. ascribing my feelings and motives to the behavior of another,m is not what this is about this morning, it is about getting down to why i feel so intolerant and judgmental when they start to open their mouth to share. it is about ME, moving forward and getting to the place that maybe when their mouth open up, to get up and stretch my legs. or better yet, learn to shut-up, grow a bit of tolerance and learn to accept that, like me, this is just a phase that they will sooner or later grow through. after all, no one kicked me out when i was in that part of my recovery. no one banned me from sharing. my sponsor once asked me how often i shared at meetings. at that time it was every single one. he suggested that i take a break from sharing, work some more steps and learn to live my recovery, in short give away what i have by demonstrating it and not lecturing about it. today i am grateful for that suggestion, even though i was more than a bit put off, when he made it.
it is a good day to be clean and perhaps, when i go to a meeting later this week, i will have something of substance to share, or not. what i comes down to is doing the next right thing, and that means feeling my way through this day.

∞ DT ∞