โ i must live the program everywhere i go, in everything i do. โ
Posted: Sat, Jan 5, 2008 08:33:54 AM
if i want the spiritual life to be more than a theory, i have to live it at home.
so before i launch into another diatribe about what i think is wrong with everything that is happening in the rooms today, i need to say a few things about my little spew yesterday. i was going to apologize for it, however i realized that to do so would be dishonest and playing to the exact same principles i was espousing yesterday. it was an honest reaction to what is going on inside me, and i am coming to believe that this particular form of my insanity may be related to my annual cycle. that is a cop-out, and a rationalization, what i wrote yesterday was what i was feeling at the time, and no matter how spiritual i think i am, no matter how many cycles of the twelve steps i work, i am still a human with the full range of human emotions and reactions. the gift of the full range of emotions often betrays the image i try and present, and is part of the whole freedom from active addiction gig. i am discovering that my passion is part of that. i guess i have always been passionate about causes and issues, the wonderful part of recovery is that now i need to learn how to temper that passion a bit, or perhaps not. i tolerate the gift of my passion today, and perhaps some day soon i will even learn to accept it and love that part of me too! here is a fairly sloppy segue into the reading about practicing these principles in all areas of my life, including at home.
you know, as i start down this particular path, i am reminded of my behavior when i was in active addiction. i lived three lives, i did my best to have impregnable walls between those lives, and was a passionate defender of maintaining those equal but separate existences. recovery, in the early days chipped away at those barriers with high powered explosives and all of a sudden i found that my family life, my work life and my life as an addict were overlapping and merging into a single life. i was afraid and confused about how i was going to handle being a single entity, in stead of the three men i had so carefully nurtured across the course of my adult life. i was told to hold on and do the best i could, because the anxiety about becoming something different would soon pass. my counselors in treatment sent me to a psychiatrist, and i was diagnosed with various syndromes and treated with medication. today i understand that being diagnosed with panic disorder was appropriate for who and what i was in those days. i was riddled with fear and anxiety, and still feel both of those feelings today. not nearly as strong nor are they so pervasive. as a result i can only come to one of these two conclusions: i do have anxiety disorder, but the twelve steps have changed me so it is no longer very active; or i never had it, and the psychiatrist was treating the symptoms she observed in my early recovery, to the best of her ability. in either case, the answer is just intellectual these days, i only mention this as an illustration of how the program has changed me. allowing that change, including practicing these principles at home goes to more than just looking good. and looking good is more than a minor part of my modus-operandi. being honest, loving and caring in meetings, in service, in public as well as at home is a task i can always do better. practicing responsibility to myself, my family, my fellowship and my significant other is certainly something i can accomplish today. taking baby steps about carrying the spiritual principles into all areas of my life is doable, and i will try and do just that i walk through my day. of course, i will lapse, and of course i will always be able to better, but i am after all only human and suffer from the disease of addiction on top of that. the HOPE is that i will be able to do this whole gig a bit better tomorrow, and will do my best today, not try but do. the word try is something i could launch into a whole different diatribe about, and right now, i feel good and do not need to get myself worked up over semantics, after all it is a good day to stay clean!
so before i launch into another diatribe about what i think is wrong with everything that is happening in the rooms today, i need to say a few things about my little spew yesterday. i was going to apologize for it, however i realized that to do so would be dishonest and playing to the exact same principles i was espousing yesterday. it was an honest reaction to what is going on inside me, and i am coming to believe that this particular form of my insanity may be related to my annual cycle. that is a cop-out, and a rationalization, what i wrote yesterday was what i was feeling at the time, and no matter how spiritual i think i am, no matter how many cycles of the twelve steps i work, i am still a human with the full range of human emotions and reactions. the gift of the full range of emotions often betrays the image i try and present, and is part of the whole freedom from active addiction gig. i am discovering that my passion is part of that. i guess i have always been passionate about causes and issues, the wonderful part of recovery is that now i need to learn how to temper that passion a bit, or perhaps not. i tolerate the gift of my passion today, and perhaps some day soon i will even learn to accept it and love that part of me too! here is a fairly sloppy segue into the reading about practicing these principles in all areas of my life, including at home.
you know, as i start down this particular path, i am reminded of my behavior when i was in active addiction. i lived three lives, i did my best to have impregnable walls between those lives, and was a passionate defender of maintaining those equal but separate existences. recovery, in the early days chipped away at those barriers with high powered explosives and all of a sudden i found that my family life, my work life and my life as an addict were overlapping and merging into a single life. i was afraid and confused about how i was going to handle being a single entity, in stead of the three men i had so carefully nurtured across the course of my adult life. i was told to hold on and do the best i could, because the anxiety about becoming something different would soon pass. my counselors in treatment sent me to a psychiatrist, and i was diagnosed with various syndromes and treated with medication. today i understand that being diagnosed with panic disorder was appropriate for who and what i was in those days. i was riddled with fear and anxiety, and still feel both of those feelings today. not nearly as strong nor are they so pervasive. as a result i can only come to one of these two conclusions: i do have anxiety disorder, but the twelve steps have changed me so it is no longer very active; or i never had it, and the psychiatrist was treating the symptoms she observed in my early recovery, to the best of her ability. in either case, the answer is just intellectual these days, i only mention this as an illustration of how the program has changed me. allowing that change, including practicing these principles at home goes to more than just looking good. and looking good is more than a minor part of my modus-operandi. being honest, loving and caring in meetings, in service, in public as well as at home is a task i can always do better. practicing responsibility to myself, my family, my fellowship and my significant other is certainly something i can accomplish today. taking baby steps about carrying the spiritual principles into all areas of my life is doable, and i will try and do just that i walk through my day. of course, i will lapse, and of course i will always be able to better, but i am after all only human and suffer from the disease of addiction on top of that. the HOPE is that i will be able to do this whole gig a bit better tomorrow, and will do my best today, not try but do. the word try is something i could launch into a whole different diatribe about, and right now, i feel good and do not need to get myself worked up over semantics, after all it is a good day to stay clean!
∞ DT ∞