Some memes

than not, i can be myself in the present moment without fear or apology, without the need for approval or justification. the caveat i started this off with, is not false humility or self-deprecation, although it might sound like it. there is still within me, the need to perform a role for a perceived audience. i can blame that on a lot of things, the abuse i suffered as a child and my overwhelming desire to get the approval of those who i believed loved me but thought i was broken. the lie i told myself for decades on end that i was too broken to let my true self be seen. my desire to get what i needed to maintain my active addiction and people in my life. the litany of reasons could go on and on. the reality is, as i stay clean and work steps, that need becomes less and less, even if it is not all the way gone. it would be nice if recovery was some sort of magic and that transformed me into a whole, self-assured and genuine person, but alas, that is not the case. my recovery journey needs to overcome decades of me pretending to be someone i was not. i am making progress but those echoes still come up from the depths and i catch myself falling into those well-trod paths of behaviors that are not who i am in the present tense.
this morning, as i listened to the void, what i heard was a question of why i had to get everything i normally do on Thursdays packed in before i went to work. i generally do not work on Thursdays and i am covering a shift for a co-worker so he can attend a family celebration. i need to applause for that bit, as that tiny bit of kindness, cost me nothing. the answer to the question that rocked my little world this morning is that i wanted to appear at my weekly meeting, not because i needed to be there, rather so i could prove to myself that i could do it. as i sit here and chuckle about how much i fretted over that plan of the day, i see that i was trying to prove to myself how “strong” and responsible i was, when in reality it was all about appearances. the irony of it all? it was how i appeared to be in my own estimation and anything less than getting to the meeting before going to work would diminish me in my own eyes. 🤢 🤮 🤯
what also came out of the depths was the way i was treating an old friend and peer. that came as i walked the dawg and after i decided that easing my way through to work was the next correct thing to do. i was a dickhead asshole over something as stupid as fantasy football. we had a disagreement and i became disagreeable. i had to, in my own estimation, say that i was wrong, not over our disagreement as there is no right or wrong in that, but in how i spoke to and interacted with him. when i get defensive, i get mean. i may wish that has already been removed. unfortunately that is still a reaction that is mostly hard-wired within me. of course, once i stumbled across how i said stuff, i judged myself to be lacking, once again and had to work through the shame of owning my part and apologizing for being what i still am. on this side of the whole affair i see what i need to work on and developing my pause when my hackles go up is something i can change, all it takes is a bit of courage to investigate what is going on inside of me.
today, as the immediacy of what my FOURTH STEP is bringing up, fades away into the background noise, i know what this addict needs to do: keep writing and prepare to FIFTH STEP with my sponse. life in my skin is not as comfortable as i may want it to be, but there is a path to being more comfortable with who i am and how i behave. that path means destroying the judge, jury and executioner that i have created inside of myself and see who i really am becoming, rather than living in the pain of who i am not. the apth ahead my be steep and fraught with hazards, but nothing in my recovery has come without cost. today, i am willing to pay that price and see what comes of it.

∞ DT ∞