Blog entry for:

to a new way of life, a life beyond my wildest expectations, even when i bitch and moan about it. when i stop and consider where my life was, back in the start of my recovery and at various milestones along my journey towards today, what i once considered impossible, is now part of my reality and much of what i desire to have in my life, is within the realm of possibilities. as i sit here, feeling grateful for the my latest milestone, i could fill this page with “happy chatter,” under the guise of being “positive,” but that is not the style that best reflects who i am becoming. the fact is, despite all that is good in my life, i can and often do focus laser-like on the bad, and the bad is most of the time, is me.
the fact is, i forget to see myself as any different than when i first arrived. i take the smallest instances of being uncaring, entitles and selfish, as evidence that nothing has changed and use those shards of “evidence” to punish and berate myself for not being any better yet, despite a minute or two clean. the fact is, even in my most moronic and insensitive moments, i am hardly behaving in the manner that i used to live. what was once a lifestyle, is now merely a lapse into familiar and sometimes comfortable behaviors. of course it is the lapses that i notice and not the routine manner in which i live from day to day. is there any hope for this unrepentant cynic? of course there is. where once i struggled to figure out how to feed my head and my belly and have a dollar or two left at the end of the day, i have FAITH that i can make it through the day, with a unbroken chain of doing the next right thing. i acn put myself through the process of correcting past financial errors, having bankers tear my life apart and then when all is said and done, having physical improvements done on my home.
it is a good day to be a few days past another clean date anniversary and even a better one to own what i have become instead of dwelling on what i once was. with that in mind, i do believe i will sign off and get ready to go to the dentist.

∞ DT ∞