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it is true, i often find these kind of reading a tad too sweet for my liking. this one in particular often strikes me as a Kum-By-Yah moment and i react with more than a little bit of disdain. this morning was not a whole lot different than years past, with the exception that now that i have given my caveat, i can move along. kindness really does not cost me anything and all of those clichés about smiling taking less work than frowning, while true, does nothing to assuage the cynic within, simply because my kindness always had a string attached and was a cover for a more ulterior motive.
yes, when i was using, being kind was always an means to whatever ends i desired. it was not unlike law enforcement running child porn sites in my mind, the greater good ⇝ get my desires met, justified the evil ⇝ feigning kindness.
that attitude was prominent in the time after my first meeting and before i finally got clean, as i needed to have a cover for what i was not doing and playing the kind person was a perfect way cover my tracks, as i did what i wanted to,m and did my best to fool all those who were paying attention and those who were not. i believed that taking advantage of their naivete was my right, based on how i got here. using on my way to a fellowship camp-out, seemed perfectly logical, as the fellowship gave me the perfect cover and had i not been so arrogant about how well i was pulling off my little act, there is no telling where i would be today, certainly not here, pounding this pout and thinking about how, perhaps adding a bit of kindness to my routine today, might just be a worthwhile endeavor.
as i stay clean and implement a program of active recovery in my life, i can be true to myself and i can live up to the ideals that have been instilled in me. being kind to all i run across, is one of those ideals, that i seldom achieve. oh sure, i can wail, whine and gnash my teeth about being human and justifying my behaviors, and yes that can soothe my conscience, but in the long run, what do i gain? is the zero sum game of recovery versus addiction, each and every time, i try to push my lack of kindness, compassion or empathy, under the table, addiction gains. when i take the time each evening to review my day and look to what i want to keep and what i need to own up to and clean up, recovery gains. unlike the speaker last night, i do see arrogance, being judgemental and conceit as symptoms of LOW self-esteem and not being right sized about my place in the world. those are certainly not the behaviors of the reasonable, self-assured person i am on the path to becoming and just for today, that person, will \\see what acts of kindness he can perform, as he walks through his day in the real world.

∞ DT ∞