Blog entry for:

i sometimes sigh, sometimes wondering how i will ever do any good.
on the drive back from Fort Collins last night, the letter i have been editing and editing, finally began to take its final shape. i know i have said this several times over the past week, BUT today i meant it!
or NOT!
what i am beginning to get is the opportunity to do a couple of things, be kind and loving and take care of myself. as i ponder the ideas and concepts that will walk that line, i have found myself down more than one rabbit hole, over the past few weeks, hence the answer to my missive from hell, has yet to be replied to. i know it seems that i am using that term dismissively, but as i think more and more about it, i can see the pain and suffering that is between the lines, behind the walls, an i can do very little to alleviate any of that. the author is certainly in a version of hell, and whether or not it is of his own making, he does deserve a bit of kindness and more than a monodic of forgiveness from me. which is why the reading this morning is so apt for me. my task is to not sell myself out, clearly state the boundaries of what i will and will not do, as well as what is acceptable and unacceptable to me, and do so in a kind and loving manner. certainly a difficult task and one not to dissimilar to the < a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labours_of_Hercules#Fifth_Labour:_Augean_stables" target="_blank">Fifth Labor of Hercules, the Augean stables. yes there will be tons of sh!t to remove, and unless i am spiritually fit, plenty of humiliation and constant piling on of more and more. just like those divine bovine, who had decades to pile up their crap, i have some history in this matter, where i unwilling to do more than one thing that i was requested to do, and of course, every unmet expectation, is a resentment just waiting to be fulfilled. unfortunately i lack a couple of large free-flowing rivers with which to quickly accomplish this task, so i am stuck with the inadequacy of the written word, and that is exactly where i am. who deserves the kindness more, me or him? who has paid the highest prices? and who will in the long run benefit most from me cleaning up this relationship, or at least starting to make a real, non-manipulative effort to do so. which right here and right now, is just beyond my grasp. as kindness is what i need to practice this morning and that may not quite yet be in the cards in this situation.
paying it forward -- i am quite good with.
being present for my friends, peers, acquaintances, family members and sponsees? i can also be good with today. so as i finish yet another, labor of recovery today, i am certain that i am on the right path. life is well interesting these days and a bit of kindness will make it ever that much more interesting for those i encounter.

∞ DT ∞