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BUT i certainly gain all sorts of stuff, when i practice a bit of kindness, tolerance and patience. i have to admit, getting a **payoff** for being kind, strikes me as my behavior back in the days of active addiction. in those days, i calculated the cost of each personal **transaction** and weighed against the expectation of what i would get in return. walking through my life as a zero sum game, where every action was calculated to bring me the most gain, was a survival skill, i honed into a fine art. when i consider doing something kind, just because i want to “feel” better about who i am, does drag me back into that world view.
when i am spiritually connected, HOWEVER, i find that even IF being kind costs me nothing, i can do so without an expectation of reward. it is not unlike a good deed, which becomes something less, when i let the world know how “GOOD” i was. i often find myself being courteous, kind and friendly, even when no one is watching. of course just like everything else in my life, there is an exception. when i get behind the wheel of my little Toyota, all of that flies out the window and i become a competitive, self-centered and over-entitled driver, having to be “first on race day,” and bitching and moaning about all the f*ckers that are hindering my progress. i see myself as a “sucker” that will be taken advantage of, IF i do not drive like a royal asshole. i guess the cliché that goes here to rationalize away this behavior is: this a program of progress, not perfection.
time to get into my favorite Sunday activity and enjoy a bit of football. it is a great day to think about being kind and expect nothing in return.

∞ DT ∞