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plodding existence is not what i signed up for, when i finally accepted i was an addict and wanted to find a way of living that took me out of the misery of mere abstinence. of course what i read this morning as i went through my daily routine was more about changing the world through one act of kindness at a time. i wholly ascribe to that notion and am embarrassed when i am caught being kind, certainly a throwback to maintaining the illusion of being some sort of unfeeling “rock” of a person., who never allowed anything to actually touch his spiritual “skin.”
since the great unveiling of who i was not, i have started to question nearly everything about me and my place in the world. most that line of inquiry has gone down the path of reestablishing and redefining the relationships that have been a part of my life since the day i was born. due to the march of time and benign neglect, the power dynamics have shifted in many of those relationships and i find myself wondering when the “next shoe” is going to drop, as the way things are going may not be sustainable for very much longer. i know that i am already tiring of the the “care” routine of someone who does not seem to want any independence at all, based on their lack of effort to learn or try anything new. for now, i will continue as i have been, but the times they are a'changin'.
returning to my take on my current life, i can certainly say that i do NOT plod through my days. nor do i regret the decision i make on a daily basis to live a program of recovery and ask for and accept the power to stay clean, just for today. i have a few tasks on my desk that need to be dealt with, to clean up my existence today, and both of them i have been avoiding for the past few days. none of them actually affect my health, wealth or well-being, but the fact that i can push them to the bottom of the stack, does concern me a bit. i see it as a symptom of moving into an apathetic, selfish and self-centered phase of my life, justified by the idea that damn it all, i am worth doing nothing at all. it is true that i am worth taking care of myself and some of the time, that means down-time with extreme prejudice. i do not believe that is what is going on here, however, i just think i am being lazy and allowing things to slide. i could make all sorts of excuses but the fact is that i am just not doing all that i can to meet my commitments to others. today and just for today, i will be kind to myself and seek an opportunity to not be a dickhead asshole to someone who may really deserve it. in fact, perhaps i will wlak the path of being content with what comes my way and leave my expectation behind.

∞ DT ∞