Blog entry for:

unhealthy thinking that interferes with being in the moment and enjoying life clean. one might assume that when someone such as myself has a minute or so clean, that unhealthy thinking of any sort is no longer an issue. after all, i have been living a program of active recovery, just for today, for many just for todays in a row, and i certainly “should” be past all the self-obsession, self-entitlement and less than stellar [patterns of thinking. well, my friends, in my case that is a very false assumption and based on my experience in the fellowship, i will generalize that i am not the only one that still falls into that trap. clean time does not equal recovery and recovery has yet to beatify any saints, we are all human and as such subject to all the human conditions with which we arrived.
going a bit deeper into that well, i know that i am far too cool to accept what some one tells me is true, without seeing some evidence and not a You Tube video. i mean actual, hard scientific evidence that can be repeated and verified. when i was trying to figure out whether or not i was an addict and i needed a program of recovery, i heard all sorts of magical thinking, wishful dreaming, lofty promises and saw very little actual evidence of a recovery program working in the lives of those i found in both fellowship i frequented. in fact, for the most part, what i “saw” was glum and boring folks who could not get over how they got their seats in the rooms, especially in that other “A.”. i know today, that my sampling technique was skewed towards a single population and that i missed the very evidence i was trying so hard to find.
this morning, as i sat and reached the void, what kept coming up, was the notion that i just need to get out of my own way and start living. i can spin and spin and spin about what the men i sponsor need or want, but if i allow myself to feel my was to the answers, i will more than likely provide to them, that stuff. i can obsess about how others see me, but if i allow myself just to be, what they think does not matter. i can walk around miserable about what is going on in my life or seek some joy in what is going right and see what i can do to correct the other. all of this and a whole lot more allows me the opportunity to set that unhealthy thinking aside and live in the sunlight of a recovery program, just for today.

∞ DT ∞