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to be willing, was not my mantra for success when i first got clean, as i considered myself far and away a whole lot more cool than the losers who populated the rooms, back in the day. i used successfully for over two decades and because of someone else' misadventures, my using life came to a grinding halt and i was stuck in a very untenable position. that place, such as it was did give me the impetus to attempt to try something different and here i am today, way too cool to go back to that life, just for today.
as blithe and trite as that may sound, there is a whole lot of history between those two states of “cool,” and various means and methods for looking at that journey. it is true that when i first got clean, i was in denial about who i was and where my life was going. it is also true that cool and aloof was my defense against anyone getting too close to the truth of who i was. i may have been clueless about who i was, but i was not taking any chances of anyone finding out, before i did. as i cruised through the limbo of mere abstinence and acting as if i was doing the work i needed to do to recover, i began to see that distance was the only thing that was going to protect me from inquiring minds and i developed a plan for my survival, which did not include landing in any particular fellowship. for me, splitting my time between the two of them, kept any of them from seeing me.
when i jumped into recovery after my brush with an opportunity to get high and chose a landing spot, i used the mantel of service to the fellowship as my shield against peering eyes. living inside the shell of a service junkie and a defender of the faith, i was once again cool in my own eyes and it appeared i had achieved that status in the eyes of my peers. the one thing i learned from that experience is that for me, basing my identity on external appearances and acting “as-if” only goes so far.
coming to terms with that, by stepping out from behind the curtain and revealing that i was not so “great or powerful,” led to an avalanche of changes and spiritual growth that continues to this day. i may have no clue about where i may end up, but i am getting clues on a daily basis on how to arrive at destination unknown. it has finally dawned upon me what living in the here and now really means and how living a life in active recovery, is incomplete when i am not present. today, just for today, i am NOT too cool for school and i am not too cool to recover and most importantly i am more than cool enough to listen to what my heart is telling me, allowing others the opportunity to express what they need to express and open my mind to a new idea or three. life in my skin is far from heinous these days and i think i will celebrate that fact by taking care of myself, physically, materially, emotionally and spiritually, just for today.

∞ DT ∞