Blog entry for:

make the biggest difference. to gain more from life than an ordinary, plodding existence requires very little effort on my part.
it certainly is a good thing that the POWER that fuels my recovery is looking out for me. this morning i am more than a little pissed and as i process through my feelings, i am wondering what i can and cannot write here. this is my space and for me, these daily dumps are therapeutic as they allow me to process my feelings and see if somehow i can tie them to what the topic of the reading happens to be. what that is practical terms, is sometimes this is about the message and sometimes the mess, and most of the time there are elements of both. that is reality, in recovery, and in the real world. i have issues that this exercise helps me to work out and from time to time, my personal feelings about what is happening around me, need to be commented upon. so what i am trying to do here is to soften a blow. this is about me, and not you. if you find some redeeming value, by all means keep coming back, if not, then stop coming here. it is amazing that over the years i have written about my personal feelings about all sorts of people in my life and how i deal or do deal with those feelings and not one person has ever said that they think i should…
anyhow, the dump being dome, now i can concentrate on the next thing on the stack, namely is this is all about how i look, or does this have any real value to me? by this, i am speaking of my blog. the question is rhetorical, because this morning, i am of the opinion that what anyone else may think about it is irrelevant. with a keystroke or three and a swipe of the mouse., all of this could be erased and permanently deleted from reality, and perhaps that is what i need to do. keep my process private and not so open.
the next right thing? well for one, i feel that the kinder, softer solution, is to accept that what i write, may be perceived as an attack, and that i NEED to say, that this is my opinion as a human being, what i write is a reflection of my spiritual state on any given day, and sometimes that state is not, oh shall we say, no very spiritual. this is not about being an example, or demonstrating how recovered i may be, or even polishing the pedestal that i so often like finding myself up on. what this is about is doing what i need for me, my only motive for writing this is a selfish one, it helps me, and perhaps putting it under lock and key is not a bad idea, it certainly would allow me to express myself with fewer reservations and actually name name, rather than tap dance around the identity the exact object of my anger, scorn, resentment or even admiration.
perhaps putting this away, is a kindness and make the world that much better for the rest of you out there. after all, i have no clue, why you would want to come here and read what i am writing, but i can tell you this: i get a ego boost knowing that you do.
being present for what i am being told, regardless of where it happens to come from, is part of living a program of active recovery today. as to whether or not this will continue to be in the public domain or not is up to what i hear as the day progresses. before i head on down to the office let me make this perfectly clear, this is all about me, and how i interact with the world around me. i may or may not like what someone else is doing, and this allows me to process what i am feeling, so i can make the world that much more pleasant for those who bump into to me, across the course of my day. every bit of venom i happen to spew here is one less drop of venom, i put out into the general world, i may not lock this away, but i am certainly going to stop posting a link to it, and that may be the solution in the long run. the compromise that allows me the creative freedom to say what i want to say and you the freedom to make a conscious choice to come here and see what i am up to. back to the hiding in plain sight paradigm again, rather than having a billboard with GPS directions. i really do not know which way to go, but i do know that today, i will be willing to listen, open-minded about what i hear and honestly evaluate the information i receive. when the time comes to make the decision about the future of my blog, i will make it knowing full well, that it is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery as well as my true will for myself.
so with that in mind, i do believe i will hit the showers and get moving down to Broomfield. it is a good day to be clean, and the anger i felt has subsided, and that too is part of my consideration about the future status of this exercise.

∞ DT ∞