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letting go of something painful, is futile and a symptom of obsession with self. there are many times in my life, when i truly believed i **thanks for the offer, but i GOT THIS.** that was basically how i lived my life in active addiction, except when my ass was in a sling and a set of quick less than sincere foxhole prayers were spewed from my mouth. why would recovery be any different? i truly believed i could take care of myself, all those years, despite all the evidence that contradicted that assertion. coming to believe that i am not in complete control of my life, my feelings, mt character defects and my shortcomings, is a process that appears to have no end, once again, it is the journey ↪ the process, and not the destination ↪ freedom from obsession with self, that i am starting to see as what i need to focus on. i have a better clue of who i am these days, and m y character defects are certainly part of that identity. to allow myself to be rid of them, requires a leap of FAITH, that at times feels way beyond me. i know that when i DO let go and allow the process of having my defects of character to proceed, life is more than a bit more pleasant for me.
moving forward, at least popping the next idea off the stack as it were. after the meeting last night, i heard one of my peers going on and on about praying to GOD, about every little detail in their life as part of a “pep talk,” to a member with just ninety days clean. my initial reaction was to step in and “rescue” them from the GOD avalanche and then something kicked in, i got a text from my ride that they were ready to roll on down the hill. was that the voice of GOD, as it were, or just a defining moment that saved me from myself. just because i am not a “GOD” sort of guy, does not mean i have the right or obligation to save anyone from hearing what another addict truly believed, and i have to take it on FAITH, that the suggestions the newcomer was hearing, were something that he needed to hear, especially since that particular meeting is more focused on living life on life's terms and less on the GOD parts of the program. i was “rescued” by a text message and for once, i followed my heart instead of my head. i let go of what i thought was the next right thing to do and moved along, as there was truly nothing to see there. so perhaps, i need to take a look at thinking i know what is best for the newest of the new, and allow myself the freedom, to let them hear another message. it is time, however to shower off and get ready to work, i can be okay knowing that each and every time, i allow myself to act differently than i think i should, i grow that much more and life in recovery is far from a linear path and there is no mathematical function that describes how i have arrived where i am today.

∞ DT ∞