Blog entry for:

to fill the emptiness within. ah, restoration of my life, a truly interesting concept. but what if, i have absolutely no desire to have my life before recovery, restored? there is very little of that life, that i left to reclaim, especially the parts and pieces of being who i was not. the only abuse i suffered, came at my own hands, yet many around me, had to deal with my inability to get out of the notion that i was entitled to do anything i thought i NEEDED to do, to fill that emptiness, be it: sex, using, theft or whatever it took. so yes, there is very little of that life i want to have restored to me. what i heard this morning, was not the horrors of living in active addiction, nor any grand ideas of how to live in recovery, but a sense of accomplishment, tempered with a heavy dose of gratitude. as a result of my efforts of implementing a program of active recovery in my life, i get to be far more comfortable walking around this world, in my own skin.i get to love and be loved and i get to worthy of respect and esteem in my own eyes. i no longer have to slink around, looking to control outcomes and bend others to my will. most importantly i have accumulated a bit of grace and get to decide each and every day, that i want to be clean, stay clean and do whatever it takes to making that a reality. where fear of relapse once ruled my life, i now feel confident that this program of recovery, will provide me tools i NEED to prevent that from happening, IF i choose to use them. where my fear of being found to be the fraud i thought i was, dominated all that i did, i now have FAITH, that what i think i am, and what others see me as, are converging into a single image of what the world sees me as. while all of that is true, those monsters in my closet, still exist and only when i am actually doing the next right thing, do they retreat into the darkness and emptiness that is their home. as i cruised through the shopping sites, that i happen to frequent, looking for stuff i do not need, but believe i want, i realized that maybe, just for today, i can stick to living within my means. not that buying a new hoodie or jersey, would fill any sort of emptiness, especially since it will take three days to get here, but looking, distracted me from this exercise. what i THINK I NEED, is not necessarily what i really do need. the simple fact of the matter is, today, i feel both the light and the echo of the emptiness and instead of allowing myself to accept that it is still there i want to reach out and fill it once again. does that mean i have the desire to run out and take a little drop of this or that? nope, not today. what i will do is allow myself to feel the discomfort, move forward with what i planned to do today and see if i end up at the local meeting tonight. just for right now, that is all i need to do.

∞ DT ∞