Blog entry for:

of achieving **conscious contact** with the POWER that fuels my recovery, may not be mainstream or conform to the manner in which my peers build that bridge, and THANK GOD, it does not have to. as many bits and bytes as i have saved to the inter-webs, musing about this issue and my growth to where i am, one might imagine that i could finally leave this alone and walk away. and one IS certainly correct. i can and will do so. i have a spiritual path. i have developed the FAITH in that path that provides a bridge over troubled water. most importantly, for me anyhow, i no longer need to throw the differences i have in my vision of this world beyond my ken, in the face of my peers. that in and of itself, is a sign of growth for this addict. what i heard this morning as i move from the “doth protest too much,” paradigm is that i am moving in a direction that is beneficial for me and will bring me the greatest spiritual rewards.
just to be clear, my posts the past two days about my anticipation and my disappointment over how the medications they gave me for my procedure were meant to be admissions of how powerless i am over addiction and an exercise in showing that even with clean time, an addict, or rather this addict, can still be driven to his knees by the part of me i call addiction. as i sit here this morning, nearly forty-eight hours past the event, i can still feel all the feelings i had before and after. i can still feel the FEAR of being buried under an avalanche of cravings and obsessions to scratch that itch. i am hopeful, however, that the notion to use will not rise to obsession and i do not wonder where twenty plus years of my life just disappeared to. all of this and much more, is a gift that i receive on a daily basis and whether or not it flows from a divine SUPREME BEING, does not really matter to me today.
i do, however have to get rolling down the road to work, as i still have yet to figure out how to live as comfortably as i do, without putting in some effort. this desire to do what i need to, by choice, is a gift of that same elusive POWER that fuels my recovery. even if i can not define IT in any words, the fact that i can feel IT, is something that drives me forward today. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to be okay with where i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞