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to pray and meditate, eluded me for years, because i was unwilling to step out of what i believed my peers believed. my slavish devotion to attempt to **fit in** kept me sick and twisted for far longer than i needed to be. HIGHER POWER envy was part of who i was. it was a fact of my life that how i lived my spiritual path was from becoming the person i had always wanted to be and chaos ruled the roost, at least when it came to all the HIGHER POWER stuff. this morning as i get my thoughts down, before trekking through the neighborhoods, i guess that i need to be grateful for the path that led me to where i am today. today i FEEL my spiritual path as part of who i am, rather than wearing an ill-fitting and awkward suit of the emperor's new clothes.
moving on from ancient history, i will not be tearing down my “monuments” to what once was, as for me, my history provides context for what i have today. i was just about to extend that metaphor, but decided that i really do need to move on. a theme i picked up on yesterday, was finding my FAITH to move into the 4TH STEP. even though i KNOW that i have never been destroyed by the unbidden powers of what i have chosen to hide, for decades on end, there is more than a bit of trepidation in looking at why i believe settling for second or third best, was the best for me. as i sit here, i am beginning to wonder if my reluctance to let go of what others thought in regards to a spiritual path, is a symptom of why i believed i was not worth achieving the best. i am well-practiced at false humility and yet, get so angry at myself when i use that as a manipulative tool to “get along.”
acting “as-if” i am okay with not getting what i want, to crater to my need to be a part of, almost seems to be hard-wired in me. i know there was once a time where i wanted to be the “best” and applied myself with all that i had, to achieve that goal. not wanting to feel disappointment and pain, when i fell short, was the easier, softer path. maybe, just maybe, it is time to start up the steeper trail and open myself up to the path that frees me from this particular, “garden of heroes.” the monuments to what i have not achieved, need to be less revered in my world and i need to start constructing new monuments to what i have the ability to achieve today.

∞ DT ∞