Blog entry for:

how do i pray? for me, this has developed into a deeply personal matter. where i used to be open and tell everyone i happened to meet the nature of my conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery, lately i have been finding myself reluctant to say much more than ‘i do.’ there are probably more than a thousand reasons for this, the primary one in my head is that as i have become more intimate in this particular relationship. i share less and less about the nature of the mechanics of maintaining that relationship. over the past thirteen months or so, the relationship i have built with the POWER that keeps me clean, has blossomed into something that is extraordinary in my limited experience with this whole divine gig. it is quite true, that i pray and meditate at least twice every day. it is also quite true, that as i continue this practice i get better at hearing and seeing what i need to hear and see. an outgrowth of this is, that i now desire to strengthen that time communicating, hence creating a very tight feedback loop. the more i communicate, the more connected i feel, the more connected i feel the more i want to communicate. it is a good thing that my human self gets in the way, as i could see me walking away to a cave in India somewhere to spend my life in quiet contemplation of the cosmos and the divine. always the addict, if a little is good, and a little more is better than lots has to be lots better. so it goes…
it is my human self, that impatient person that limits this from becoming a one way ticket to that contemplative life, as i never seem to get beyond the 10 or 15 minutes barrier in quieting my mind. i live within the boundaries that constrain me, and even though those boundaries are continuing to expand, and the horizon is beginning to draw back in this regard, i still do my best to ‘practice’ communication with a HIGHER POWER. call IT what you will for me, that is the term that fits best this morning.
so on another note, i posted something about a HOPE yesterday and received a total non-sequitur from on high. this person was once an important person in my life, but as time and distance often does, we have grown distant. part of the problem is she is absolutely clueless about who i am today. there was a time, in what seems like my distant past when her pronouncements made some sense. there was even a time when i desired such pronouncements. i have however grown beyond such need and instead of this mystical bullsh!t garbage thrown randomly my way, what i most desire is REAL communication. i have dealt with this problem before, it always arises from those members who have not seen since i first got clean and still treat me like i am as clueless as the day i walked into the rooms. i know they mean no harm, in fact they might be trying to be helpful, drawing on what they knew about me. it feels like they are gauging how much i might have grown based on their own level of personal growth. it is sad that we have not maintained the contact necessary to nurture a relationship, it is even sadder that they feel the need to chime in about something they are so fVcking clueless about without making some sort of contact first. relationship, however, take work, for me, i put my time and energy into creating and maintaining the healthy relationships with those i am in in contact with, rather than dump it down the black hole of those who choose to be apart from me. i could go on and on with this petty little tirade, instead i will just say that the anger has passed and that sadness over the lost opportunity for another friend has begun to replace it. life goes on, and unless i do something drastic like de-friending this person, i am certain that once again a pronouncement will come floating down my way at some seemingly random time. perhaps, i need to shift my focus and let the voice of HP be heard withing, as it is more than likely a lesson i need to learn here, and my anger is stopping me from seeing it. as is most often the case what i feel may not be wrong, it is what i do with that feeling and how i act in response to that feeling where i err most of the time these days. so putting aside my shortcomings for now, i do believe i will hit the streets and take a nice long walk with the dawg. exercise is always an excellent spiritual purgative for me, it is after all to brief of an existence on this mortal plane for me to waste my time stewing in anger. it is a good day to move forward and into the light of a spiritual path, at least in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞