Blog entry for:

i have the FREEDOM to choose any concept of a Higher Power that happens appeals to me. once again, another conscious contact, HP reading, sometimes i wonder why all the fuss. that is an easy thing for me to say today, but there have been times in my recovery when i absolutely NEEDED to have these constant reminders that dogma, and the beliefs of otehrs DID NOT have to be accepted by me, and i sit here in this plavce and this time, i am grateful for all those times, as they make me who i am today.
on this day after the celebration of independence day, i feel all sorts of things and although there is a peice of self-will running riot in my life right now, i can justify and rationalize it away as i really do not want to let it go. my FOURTH STEP is nearly complete, and my JULY FOURTH was ceratinly an interesting one. i GOT to run, meet with a sponsee, do some work, do some service and be present for my friends who were celebtrting anniversaries of the day they got clean. honestly i was in a mood on Tuesday after work, and it carried over into the morning. i do not know what was going on, nor am i going to try and figure it out. what i do know is that the last thing i wanted was human interaction of any sorts and i did my best to avoid it at all costs. i did a pretty dang good job of doing so. yesterday, i took care of what i needed to take care of, and lived a life that ended up being in way more contact than i could have tolerated just 12 hours before. so it goes…
the reading today, speaks to this issues, in a sort of sideways manner. yes it is a bit of a strech to talk about my sh!tty little mood and relate it to prayer, and practicing a SECOND STEP as well as an ELEVENTH. tuesday, i could not accept that all that i felt and all that i wanted was part of the recovery process for me. quite simply i did not wnat to be an addict in recovery, i did not want to be the man i am becoming, i just wanted to be an a$$hole, isolated and cut-off and i the full monty was not that far away. what happened is that i did what i have done for bunches of days in a row, i prayed, i medittated, i shut-up, i lisetned and i allowed myself to just be and surprise, surprise, this too just passed, when i got out of the way and let it. it was my slavish devotion to my recovery routine, that allowed me to come out clean, and you know what, with a much better attitude than i went into my little fit of pique with. i allowed myself to once again initaite the process of coming to believe and i started to feel the connection that i have so assiduously built since i came to recovery.
today? well i have some hours to put in in Denver, i get a massage, and when all is doen this evning i get to start to write about my assets as i near the final phase f my current step writing. honestly, in case you have not realized it, this FOURTH STEP is kicking my butt, and i am getting tired of fighting it. my decsion today? to let go, finish the writing and get it all out of my system, once and for all. i am ceratin that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me with what i need to let go and allow that to happen. so time to ee what is happening in the rest of the wrold, now that the HIGGS BOSON may have been detected, it is a good day to celebrate my FREEDOM to recover in my own creative process.

∞ DT ∞