Blog entry for:

ironically as i read over my entry from a year ago, i can see that the process i am close to finishing was already well underway. the issue that has been dogging my days, has been the one of prayer, specifically how i pray and what am i really praying to. when all else fails, time to go to the dictionary for a quick definition, and hopefully one that fits: “a request; a petition.” in this sense, i can start to fit what i feel into the intellectual rabbit hole i have found myself in time and time again. of course if i was not so precise in my use of language, none of these issues would arise, but just as i sought a definition of surrender i could live with,m so i now can find a definition of prayer that i can feel my way through to.
the request to be kept clean, is something i can do. expressing my gratitude for having another day clean, is also something i can do. asking for things to be put into my life and events to occur? well not so much, even when it is not for me. moving forward into this new spiritual world, is something i feel i can do, as i am no longer “hung up” on definitions. although i could have done this a year ago, today was finally the time and the place to actually see if i could find a definition that works for me.
what else is going on? well for one, my TENTH STEP keeps coming back to trip wire. expectations and assumptions of those with whom i share my life. not so much here at home, but across the rest of my life certainly. i keep finding myself in a state of “kill that punk, who the fVck do they think they are, assuming that i would do that!”
even today, as i write this, i know that is an overreaction, due to seeing something in them, that i do NOT want to acknowledge is part of me. the fact that i keep tripping over this, time and again, must mean that i am close to moving into the TWELFTH STEP, to start to put into practice my new world order of spiritual principles. i am fed up with being sick and tired of those parts of me, and once again i have come up to the point of needing to surrender, that is to stop fighting, even if i think this is a battle that i could somehow win. here i am, days and days after my last use, in a life i never dreamed possible, behaving in a spiritually and socially acceptable manner, for the most part, and yet…
yes, and yet!
and yet, i am still not RECOVERED, although i am not in active addiction either. yes, something inside of me, yearns for the day i can say that i am NOT, and yet intellectually i know that day will never come and it pisses me off. i can certainly see why someone with twenty years clean would say, if this is as good as it gets, then i might as well use. well today, i do not want to be THAT someone, so i will accept that just for today i am an addict. i am recovering from addiction and IF i want to keep what i have, i just need to keep on doing what i have been doing. that i can live with, until i lay my head on my pillow tonight and end my conscious day.

∞ DT ∞