Blog entry for:

...improve conscious contact with my concept of a Higher Power. well this reading got my mind racing in probably a hundred different directions this morning, making my quiet time, not so quiet this morning. all of a sudden, or perhaps this is an over time thing, i am looking at my relationships with the world around me in a new light. i am finding that i have expectations instead of living in expectancy, i have changed them into containers filled with nouns, rather than containers to hold verbs, and hence the action is gone. the reason i am leading off with that thought, is that i am finding myself longing to change my relationship with the concept of a HIGHER POWER that i have developed across the course of my recovery. not that this concept is inadequate or without merit, no i am feeling that i am the one who is not allowing this relationship to blossom into what it can be.
the revelations that came out of my last eleventh step, you know the one i just completed, are finally coming home to roost, and as i start to really integrate what i have discovered i honestly believe, i am finding my old methods and forms of conscious contact lacking. lacking what you ask? that is the problem, i feel the lack, but have yet to quantify what it is i think is missing. one thing i am certain of, it is not from my partner in this relationship where the lack is coming from. the listening part, that has been the topic of a few blogs over the past week, is progressing beyond my wildest dreams. it is like there was a switch in my brain, that was just waiting to get turned on, and all of a sudden, i can just be, in these quiet moments. not that these moments bring claps of thunder or burning bushes, no what they bring is a sense of peace that has comes from a source outside of me.
no where the problem is, is at the heart of this reading -- HOW DO I PRAY!? as i strip away the last vestiges of an anthropomorphic image of a Higher Power, i am left with a means of communicating what i think my needs are, that no longer fits into my belief system. i fear however, letting go of the comfortable manner i have built up over the course of my recovery. so for me, prayer has become a rote exercise, while meditation has become this dynamic force of change in my daily life and what i desire most is my prayer to affect me in a similar fashion.
so as i sit here this morning, waiting to go hit the streets, i see the task ahead of me, as i move into my twelfth step is to allow my intuition to guide me into a manner of asking that is more in alignment with the paradigm i have discovered. instead of fighting the changes, allow the to metamorphose into something it needs to be, namely a manner of asking that fits. so off to tour the neighborhood, and see how much trouble i can get into today, it is after all a GREAT day to recover.

∞ DT ∞