Blog entry for:

or knowing the motives and desires of anyone, save myself, are still not skills i have acquired. even my desires and motives are often opaque to me, BUT for a stretch of time in my recovery journey, i believed i could determine who was going to **make it.** after many failures at successfully picking out the **winners,** i finally gave up that activity and accepted that anyone who happened to show up for a meeting, may actually have a desire to stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new manner in which to live. by admitting that when i make predictions and cast motives on the behaviors of others i am actually expressing my biases and prejudices, i get an opportunity to grow. letting go of my desire to get any sort of “answers” in this realm is an exercise in FAITH and one that has paid off for me, more than once.
which quite nicely brings me to the topic that i “heard” this morning, my reactions to several of the behaviors that my peers have been demonstrating lately. i often comment on what i see others doing and attempt to steer my thoughts down the path of why their acts start a cascade of feelings within me. well let me be honest, what i see and hear them doing, creates a pattern of the same feelings most of the time ⇶ anger, envy and disgust. i am quite sure that the anger and envy come from me wanting to do so the same thing and the only thing stopping me from doing so, is my overarching desire to “look good.” the disgust comes a bit later, after i have felt what i have felt and in the postmortem, i see myself as someone undeserving of recovery, after all, anyone who is angry or envious of how another behaves, is not where one should be. so it goes, the path to self-deprecation and false humility is paved and ready for me to sprint down, with little or no regard for what is really going on.
tonight, as i carry a message to some peers who only wish is to get out of the mess they have created, i can remember that i am not the best judge of their true desire. i need to remind myself that no one gave up on me, even though i had little to no desire to actually stay clean for any length of time. my intent was to get out of the mess i had created and return to a way of living that would have once again brought me to my knees. i probably need to share that i am grateful that some POWER filled me with enough desire to stay the course and actually build a life based in recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞