ร i AM OFTEN tempted to give up on someone ร
Posted: Wed, Dec 5, 2012 08:18:37 AM
who keeps relapsing or does not get clean right away, but i am also a believer in the tired and oft-used adage, that here in this fellowship we do not shoot our wounded.
i have said this before, and will more than likely say it again, the last thing i wanted when i came to the rooms is the life i now have. i was not honest or willing and i was sure as hell, not going to stay clean for thousands of days in a row, and yet here i am. has they given up on me, because i was abstinent, angry and isolated, i doubt i would be writing this entry today, from the comfort of a home way better than i ever imagined, getting paid way more than i ever dreamed possible for a job that i enjoy doing and excites me every single day. so is the message i carry, that an addict any addict, can stoop using, lose the desire to use and be mildly successful in the eyes of the other 85%? that is certainly part of the message i carry, even though it is not the message i want to carry. it was what i saw in my very first sponsor,m and who knows, perhaps it is what the newcomer sees, when they look at how my life appears. i was about to vent about an event that happened at the meeting last night, but it goes to the behavior i have commented con before. my judging someone for disrespecting what and how we do things in this fellowship. that in fact goes to the heart of the reading, sometimes person with decades clean, is a newcomer to our fellowship and who am i to judge the willingness, honesty and open-mindedness, they act from lack of knowledge and assuming facts not in evidence. so my thought on that topic, is my stuff, just as the newcomer knows no better, sometimes someone who has been in the rooms, in another fellowship assumes because there is an ‘A’ in our name, everything is just like it is in the fellowship they are used to attending. for me to dismiss them, out of hand, is me denying them their right to have the message shared with them, whether or not they are actually listening. it is true, i get sick and tired of hearing the therapy and treatment psycho-babble spouted time and again, especially from those fresh from their battles with active addiction. i also hear the steel trap of my mind snapping shut, when they regurgitate what their well-meaning counselors told them to. so instead of sharing the message that life without using is possible and can lead to the removal of the desire to use, i shut up in a mental petulant frenzy, so i do not carry the, message that they are full of…
that is what the reading speaks to me the most about, who i am, and what my message is, today. sometimes, my silence does nothing but carry the mess.
as i sort out, what my thoughts are on this topic, i am beginning to get a glimpse of where i want to go, and more than likely, it is in alignment with my own true will for myself. the time has come to become entirely ready and allow my own true voice to speak, even if it comes out more abrasive than i want it to. the time has come to remember that once upon a time, i was struggling to understand what this gig was all about, and how clean time did not equal recovery. guess what, social acceptability does not equal recovery either.
CLEAN TIME IS CLEAN TIME.
recovery is what happens to me, when i let go of who i think i am and allow myself to be a the vessel that the message is carried in. no matter what i think, what i believe or what i think i believe, everyone who walks into our rooms deserves a chance and i deserve to carry the message that recovery can and does happens.
so it is time to get cracking on the work i have, a benefit of staying clean and doing met best to live a program. things are what they are, and who knows what kind of calls and e-mails i will have by the time this day is over.
i have said this before, and will more than likely say it again, the last thing i wanted when i came to the rooms is the life i now have. i was not honest or willing and i was sure as hell, not going to stay clean for thousands of days in a row, and yet here i am. has they given up on me, because i was abstinent, angry and isolated, i doubt i would be writing this entry today, from the comfort of a home way better than i ever imagined, getting paid way more than i ever dreamed possible for a job that i enjoy doing and excites me every single day. so is the message i carry, that an addict any addict, can stoop using, lose the desire to use and be mildly successful in the eyes of the other 85%? that is certainly part of the message i carry, even though it is not the message i want to carry. it was what i saw in my very first sponsor,m and who knows, perhaps it is what the newcomer sees, when they look at how my life appears. i was about to vent about an event that happened at the meeting last night, but it goes to the behavior i have commented con before. my judging someone for disrespecting what and how we do things in this fellowship. that in fact goes to the heart of the reading, sometimes person with decades clean, is a newcomer to our fellowship and who am i to judge the willingness, honesty and open-mindedness, they act from lack of knowledge and assuming facts not in evidence. so my thought on that topic, is my stuff, just as the newcomer knows no better, sometimes someone who has been in the rooms, in another fellowship assumes because there is an ‘A’ in our name, everything is just like it is in the fellowship they are used to attending. for me to dismiss them, out of hand, is me denying them their right to have the message shared with them, whether or not they are actually listening. it is true, i get sick and tired of hearing the therapy and treatment psycho-babble spouted time and again, especially from those fresh from their battles with active addiction. i also hear the steel trap of my mind snapping shut, when they regurgitate what their well-meaning counselors told them to. so instead of sharing the message that life without using is possible and can lead to the removal of the desire to use, i shut up in a mental petulant frenzy, so i do not carry the, message that they are full of…
that is what the reading speaks to me the most about, who i am, and what my message is, today. sometimes, my silence does nothing but carry the mess.
as i sort out, what my thoughts are on this topic, i am beginning to get a glimpse of where i want to go, and more than likely, it is in alignment with my own true will for myself. the time has come to become entirely ready and allow my own true voice to speak, even if it comes out more abrasive than i want it to. the time has come to remember that once upon a time, i was struggling to understand what this gig was all about, and how clean time did not equal recovery. guess what, social acceptability does not equal recovery either.
CLEAN TIME IS CLEAN TIME.
recovery is what happens to me, when i let go of who i think i am and allow myself to be a the vessel that the message is carried in. no matter what i think, what i believe or what i think i believe, everyone who walks into our rooms deserves a chance and i deserve to carry the message that recovery can and does happens.
so it is time to get cracking on the work i have, a benefit of staying clean and doing met best to live a program. things are what they are, and who knows what kind of calls and e-mails i will have by the time this day is over.
∞ DT ∞