Blog entry for:

have any desire to stop using when i came to the program and yet here i am several thousands days later, still clean. in fact, i was one of those who used coming to meetings as an excuse to meet my connection and get high. i never came to a meeting high, or carried drugs into the rooms, but as soon as i could escape to my car and drive off, BOOM, i got high. i was not a “poster child” for recovery, in fact one of the amends i had to make to my fellowship was the consequence of my final use, which ironically was on the way to a fellowship camp-out. even with that sort of history, it was my shame and guilt that kept me away from the fellowship that has become my home for the six months following that event, not the members who were already here. yes, i had just enough recovery to feel guilty about how my final use made my peers look and was Catholic enough to shame myself into “hanging out” in another fellowship.
one would have thought that chain of “unfortunate circumstances” and its consequences would have been enough to give me the desire, but i am a stubborn person and am close-minded to notions and ideas that i feel will interfere with my pursuit of pleasure. recovery was a means to achieve my desire of being freed from the judicial system and the power it had on my will and my life. i can unequivocally state that as a higher power, the 20th judicial district is far from ideal.
these days, i have cpo0me to believe that IF an addict is in a meeting, that the reason for them being there is not cause for me to assess their desire or sincerity. that has not always been the case, as i was certainly one of those who marched lock-step with the party line and played the role of the “fellowship guard” for far longer than i would like to admit. as i have grown up in recovery, i have let go of my DESIRE to be able to categorize and compartmentalize my peers into the “haves and have-nots” of the desire to stay clean. this dramatic shift has allowed me to become a bit more open and walk a path based on the FAITH that this recovery gig can work. today and just for today, i have the DESIRE to stay clean and the willingness to do whatever it takes to live up to fulfilling that desire, including the ability to allow others to find their path to the honest and sincere desire to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞