Some memes

motives and desires of someone else, therefore i guess i SHOULD give my best stuff to everyone. i have to admit, i do not like my time being wasted and often wait to see if someone is going to make any sort of effort before i invest in them. i have been one of those who has invested more in the recovery of someone else than they were willing to invest themselves. my reaction was of course, to pull away and keep to those who have a proven track record at recovery. although that kept me “safe” it did very little to advance my recovery growth as i was cutting myself off from a rich source of new ideas and of course from anyone who i deemed not “worth” my time. yeah a real paragon of spiritual principles there!
somewhere in my last set of steps, i realized that my identity was wrapped up in service to my fellowship and something needed to change, if i was going to be able to continue being part of the fellowship i worked so hard to “protect and serve.” my 12TH step was painful for me, as i realized i did not have a message to carry or at least one that i could put into words and worst of all, i was hardly practicing any of these principles in my daily affairs, especially when it came to those who were “struggling” to stay clean and find a spot in the rooms. all of that is very nice, but where does that leave me today?
what i am coming to believe is that i have a valuable part to play in the local fellowship and it has very little to do with how the traditions are being followed. nor does it have anything to do with “those people just do not know how to share!” part of what helped was making a meeting an event that i had to plan for and actually make and effort to attend. part of it was taking on a FNG as a sponsee, part of it was tolerating a meeting filled with potential members from treatment facilities, but most of it came from a paradigm shift within me. i finally “got” that i was the still suffering addict, and it was because i allowed my connection with the newest of the new to be decimated under a huge steaming pile of judgement. i may not end up attending that meeting for a while, but i do know that for me, connection with even the most recalcitrant is what i NEED to stay clean today.
does that mean i am going to run out and hug the first newcomer i see and welcome them into my home? well my home group for sure, the fellowship for sure and into my heart, well maybe after a minute or so. 😎

∞ DT ∞