Blog entry for:

sincerely wants to stop using? quite a slippery slope for me to trod upon, after all i was in the fellowship for eighteen months before i became sincerely or honestly ready to stop using, and even then, there were “issues” that needed to be worked out: reservations, FEARS, method of denial and entitlement to name a few. regardless of all of that here i sit, a few days clean, pondering everything that has gone down in the past twenty-four and trying to put it into perspective.
for some reason, i heard an AC/DC song in my head after reading this entry today. which one? For Those About to Rock (We Salute You), of course. as i think about it, that song makes perfect sense, as it speaks of letting go and getting carried away, and surrendering to recovery, so as it is. i sat quietly hearing the tune and the lyrics in my head, i started to get a clue about the events that transpired yesterday and what i can do moving forward.
it has been on of my inviolable rules that i NEVER get involved with the family members of the men i sponsor. that guideline has served me well, and now that i have violated and been violated by my refusal to honor it, i can see why it served me so well. i could go on, about the lies and duplicitous manipulation that i experienced yesterday, but to what point. those who were involved already know what their part in that farce was yesterday, and i am writing about mine. needless to say, i am far from surprised that when you call a liar a liar to their face, how all of a sudden i am the bad guy here and how they all of a sudden drop back to “…but i only wanted to…”
my part in that oh so dark comedy yesterday, was i let myself get carried away down the river of self-righteous indignation. i knew what was going on, i knew they were lying from the get go and i knew there was something more to their attempt to contact me, then just concern for my sponsee. he had shut-off his phone, so he did not have to suffer the string of abusive texts that are his life, and she was angry that he had taken back a piece of control from her. i was being contacted to justify her sending the cops to his house for a “welfare check” because of course he must be using like a fiend, to get out of the misery shew hoped he was feeling. of course i got caught up in my emotions and said what i said, but it should limit the future interactions i have with that person, as now they know i will not “buy” into the pile of shite they are trying to peddle.
the other side of the equation is the man i sponsor. when i broke my Chinese Wall rule, i opened myself up to all sorts of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, about him and his desire. the old adage about how to tell when an addict is lying rings in my head now (their lips are moving). i have to decide what i am willing to invest and how to figure out which stream of information is the closest to the truth, since they are so diametrically different.
what i hear and feel now, is that in my gut, i feel that supporting the man i sponsor, and trusting his desire is “honest and sincere,” at least just for today, is the road for me to take.
in a world where he said she said is so different, finding the “truth” is a difficult task to undertake. what i feel this morning is to let go of striving to find the “truth” and pay attention to what is going on, i have the FAITH that it will be revealed to me, all i have to do is be patient and present and allow myself the opportunity to see where things are going. just for today, i know i have the honest and sincere desire to stay clean and need not lie about or to anyone to fulfill that desire.

∞ DT ∞