Blog entry for:

honestly and sincerely wants to stop using drugs? when dealing with a using addict, there really is no way to tell. a very old and terribly ironic joke around the rooms is: how does one know when an addict is lying? their lips are moving! so quite honestly judging the desire of someone else, to get clean, is not a task i choose to undertake. i had no desire to get clean when i came to the rooms, as evidenced by my first twenty months of doing what i did, and yet here i am today, many days later, still clean, more whole and sane than i have ever been, and a full participant in my life, so those who doubted me in those days have been proved wrong. those who held out HOPE, well they have been vindicated.
so i started writing this at home nd decided to finish it at work today. i actually was going to write about the how does one know, when my mind got consumed by a decision i need to make today, to a using addict, who chose to ignore a boundary and a request i had set. as i navigated the slow motion drivers and the migratory weaver birds i had time to pause and consider whether or not writing about once again being disrespected by a using addict, was a place i wanted to go. what i felt as i completed the stuff i needed to get done, was probably not. what i feel is the decision still needs to be made, but not now.
of all the behaviors i remember do fondly from active addiction, one of my faves, was my ability to spin up an excuse for anything. although i was never a great liar, n the sense of telling bald-faced lies, i was quite capable of deceiving by misdirection and telling just enough of any story to let you think what i wanted you to think. when all else failed, my world-class line was you have no idea what is going on in my life, after all there are all sorts of factors that prevented me from being…
ah, the magic of addict logic. there was always something else, or someone else to blame, and when all else failed it came down to: “that is just who i am!” voilà, everything was shifted from my shoulders after all. so no one ever had a clue about my motives, intentions or much of anything else that was going on in my head, and i liked it that way. today, that has changed, as my motives for anything are clear as mud, to me and to most of the people that know and understand me. i could play to my need to be liked and say of course dude, i forgive your disrespect, and how high do you want me to jump? or perhaps it would my desire to look good, if i say no, he will of course tell everyone what a sh!t i am. the litany of what i could play out, could go on and on, but i am certain my point has been made. if i say yes, it has to be, because i feel that is the next right thing to do PERIOD.
so time to make the donuts, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞