Blog entry for:

...honestly and sincerely wants to stop using. of course that is the the REAL problem, who in the world do i know IF someone honestly and sincerely wants to stop using. i can state without any hesitation that i DID not honestly and sincerely want to stop using when i first came to the program, nor did i honestly and sincerely want to stop even after my ass was in such a sling, that the next three years of my life looked like i was going to be living “down south,” as the saying went back then. no, all i wanted was freedom from the legal system, and i had run out of any other alternatives, save the program. even then, the program did not apply, i could pick and choose, as i was not ever really going to be a member here, i was just going to hang around at the edges, take the edge off my jones and sooner or later return to ‘LIFE,’ as i saw it.
a funny thing on the way back to my so-called life. i got detoured by recovery, and although at the time i was pissed off and angry, i do not regret finding this new manner of living in the slightest.
where am i going with this? well one of those addicts who have been ‘around’ the program for what seems an eternity went out and then tried to come back and take advantage of those who have always been there for them. using in the house of a clean addict and trashing the house of another, and once again walking out to more than likely use again. their favorite phrase, when they do find the desire to stay clean is “I KNOW!” each and very time they walk back out, i wonder if this will be the time i read about their tragic demise in the local paper, or will they once again have the grace to stop using for long enough to find their way back into the rooms for another 2.2 seconds. each time they come back i do my best to withhold judgment and each time they go out, i ask that the POWER that fuels my recovery provides for them all that IT has provided for me. and then i let go, as i understand and have come to accept that i am powerless over them and their active addiction. perhaps some day, they will FINALLY arrive at the place where even if they are not honest and sincere about not using, at least they are will to try something different. i am clueless about what it will take, but apparently trips to ICU, stand-offs with cops and destroying their entire life is not enough.
where is all of this leading? well way back when i got clean, the members believed in me, even though they were probably sure, that i was one of those self-destined to walk away from recovery. they taught me, even though i was unteachable. they loved me even though i was unlovable. and they trusted me, even though i was far from trustworthy. and for those members, their investment paid off, i am still clean today, and have not had to use since September 1997. I AM A MIRACLE, and the point is if i am, so anyone else can be also. this is not an exclusive club, and even though i did not think i honestly and sincere;y wanted to stop using, i guess there was enough of that desire that was honest and sincere enough to eventually push me over the brink and into the waiting arms of the fellowship.
anyhow, i am grateful that i am here, and when i start to judge the willingness of another to do whatever it takes to stay clean today, i NEED to remember what i was like and what i can be like again. it is only BECAUSE of those members not in spite of them, that i am here writing this today, and for that i feel a sense of gratitude that fills me to the brim. so on that note, the time has come to move into the next part of my day, it is after all another great day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞