Blog entry for:

anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstances. I will leave the results to a Higher Power. this morning as i get started on what is going to be a long day, i feel, sort of different. a sponsee asked me when i had a paradigm shift about the nature of this program of recovery. it is a good thing i interact with him by mail, so i have time to consider the question and formulate an answer. the question for me, is more of a how it works question rather than a when did it happen question, although when it comes time to write him back, i will have thought it through and have an honest response to what really happened. so although the reading spoke about NEVER giving up on any addict, i am moving in a different direction in this particular bit of exploration.
that being said, when did i finally come to see the POWER that fuels my recovery as a force for good and not something that was capricious and cruel? as i think back, it was always the direction i was going, even from the very start, long before i even used. i was never satisfies with what i was taught abort life, the universe and everything and felt that i was somehow ripped-off. for me, having FAITH in anything that could all of a sudden decide that i am not doing good enough and have to suffer for being human, just struck as so very wrong, i rebelled and rebelled loudly. when i came to o recovery that attitude was almost enough for me to turn around and leave, never even looking back. sure everyone was saying i had freedom to discover what i needed, but they kept talking about GOD, and talked about GOD in a very specific religious context. the only thing missing was the ritual and the mystery, although the mystery was still an underlying theme, as they spoke of miracles. i accepted just enough of that paradigm to open the door to my ongoing recovery, but was hardly sold on the concept. it was not until my second THIRD STEP, that i finally broke free from that particular prison and started to look for a spiritual paradigm that actually fit me. that was the start of a process that continues today, as evidenced by my struggle with FAITH over the past year or so. the real change came in my THIRD ELEVENTH STEP when i finally could accept a partnership and be at peace that things are exactly as they are supposed to be. no mystery, no questioning, just a bit of FAITH and a whole lot of acceptance. that is the state i work to achieve on a daily basis, but one that is the standard and not the norm for me. most of the time i am somewhere in between the extremes, and that too is just as it is supposed to be.
the trick will be to distill this down and send it off to my sponsee, which will not happen this morning. what will happen this morning is that i will finish this up by a few comments on the actual topic i heard, i will go to work, i will go get an acupuncture treatment and i will go home and perhaps have the inspiration to respond to my sponsee. i sometimes wonder if his recovery is genuine, or he is just feeding me what he thinks i want to hear, after all…
using the reading as my guide, whether or not he is genuine, is not for me to judge. my job is give him what i have and accept things as they are, just for today. i get that today, at least right now, i will see what happens when those addicts who i have already judged happen to cross my path in the next few days. that will be the true test of my recovery and not some sort of cosmic pop quiz. my job will to let go of my expectations of myself and see if i can move forward, secure in the FAITH, that if they are sincere, they will get this.

∞ DT ∞