Blog entry for:

means, ways, and energies to short-circuit my default reactions to living life in the real world. okay, whether or not i like it, i am still sick and as a result am working from home today. getting over this version of a cold/flu double-whammy, sucks and i am more than a bit **out of sorts.** simply put, i do not do **being sick** very well, especially when it interferes with my service efforts and my desire to be out and about. generally my frustration with my less than stellar physical condition would be the impetus to make the lives of everyone around me as miserable as mine **feels.** choosing to stay off the roads and out of the office, minimizes the interactions i have and certainly keeps me from spreading the **joy** i feel being physically ill. okay, i could claim some morally high ground here and chalk it up to my continued desire to live a program of active recovery and move along. that is certainly true, but the moving along part is not where i am at, yet.
as i peruse the various “seeds” i have used over the years to write about this topic, they all seem to come down to a single point of light, doing something that i do not believe i am capable of doing. i have parroted the “party line,” saying that GOD has given me abilities and strengths, beyond my wildest dreams. i have fallen into a “pink-cloudish” pattern of shock and awe about the power of the program to transform me. i have, even sometimes, relied on myth and mystery to explain the unexplained. no matter how i slice and dice it, the fact remains that this program of recovery has altered me and how i respond or react to the frustration of living life on life's terms. everyone gets sick, even me. everyone has bad days and seemingly intractable problems. everyone has someone in their lives that makes them cringe. one of the most annoying parts of my frustrating life, are those people who just do not seem to “get” the fact that i really do not want to be around them. watching them grovel for my attention, was once an act that i relished, as i certainly needed that sort of validation. these days, it makes me sad that they find it necessary to humiliate themselves, when walking away would be a better option. i guess that denial is still a strong factor in their lives as well.
i am a bit scattered this morning. i could continue to run down how i no longer behave, thanks to the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery, but doing so would be no different than those whom i whine and b*tch about when they share how perfect their lives have become. the fact is i am not perfect. i am not the model of a recovering addict. my life has bumps, bruises, twists and turns, that i can handle better than i used to be able to. i do not need to rely on the attention of others, especially those who seem unapproachable to feel good about who and what i am. just for today, i might even get over this pity-party i am having about being sick and move on with my life. i can also be grateful that i recovery has given me the ability to make friends and have deep and intimate relationships outside of my family. i look at some of my peers and wonder why they seem so self-centered and obtuse to those around them. then, i notice few relationships they have built over the days they have been around. i am grateful that recovery has given me the desire to be a friend as well as a part of life in general, even when i am a sneezey, achy, coughing mess, just for today.

∞ DT ∞