Blog entry for:

about how i **should** be handling the events that do not fit into my plans, is still a behavior in which i engage. as my sponse has said more than once, IF i am still doing it, it is hardly an **old** behavior. there is a bit of hope however, for someone such as myself, i trip down into that land of self-disparagement and berating myself less often than ever before. i accept i am far from perfect and that life on its own terms is at best chaotic.
as i have said in the past i am not a GOD sort of person, BUT something i have been asking for is for the POWER that fuels my recovery to relieve me of my anger at my Mom, by returning that to what i am rally feeling, sadness and disappointment. no matter how strong my desire is to be rid of sadness, morphing it into anger is not the healthiest means to do so. in fact, that anger comes out all sorts of sideways and ends up making my internal landscape more bleak and causing issues between myself and those with whom i share my life. i do not know if that POWER is actually doing anything or not, but by asking for relief, i seem to be getting more than a little bit, of relief that is.
sitting here this morning, on a day when most of the world, including those with whom i work, have the day off, i could certainly drown in a pool of self-pity. i am, however, accepting that this is my life right now and i can and will do what i need to do, to get a full paycheck next week. it really is no different than me bundling up and heading over to the Rec Center for a workout. i have the DESIRE to be fitter, physically and financially. i have the means to make that happen and i have a program of recovery that encourages me to do just that, exercise the means to reach my realistic goals. i can live in the remorse of not doing what i needed to do across the course of m y life today, or i can accept that i have to get off my lazy ass and take care of that stuff in the here and now. today, i am taking a deep breath and asking the POWER that fuels my recovery for the skills and abilities to care for myself and my loved ones. just for today, i can do what i need to do and leave the results up to whatever powers that just may be.

∞ DT ∞