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and learning to find a better way to live, seems to be a fate i need to accept, today.
well the day has finally arrived, my cheat day. i have book club tonight in the local cigar store and i have cigars in my humidified locker there as well. it has been nearly forty days since i last imbibed any form of nicotine and another seventeen days until i must get tested. i am adamant about going to my book club, as it is one of the few social activities i have, outside of hanging with my peers in recovery. the decision whether or not i will enjoy their company whilst i partake of a fine cigar, certainly feels final: YES I WILL! at least that happens to be the case right here and right now, when the time comes, well i will let go of that until the time comes.
one of my coping mechanisms when it comes to driving, has been a big cigar to see me through those moments of having to deal with the frustrations of how all those “others” are driving. what i discovered over the past month was that maybe, just maybe, that was a rationalization to keep me smoking and to smoke even more. as i drove through the “cold-turkey” nicotine withdrawals, i discovered that taking a deep breath and connecting with the POWER that fuels my recovery by quieting my mind, was certainly a better way to manage my road-rage than chomping down on my cigar. as a result, it seems a bit of insanity to see what the outcome of my “cheat day” experiment will be. there will certainly be more to write about tomorrow.
as i prepare to return to the office for the first time in two weeks, i also need to remember that connection is always present. there will be petty frustrations and perhaps a major one as well. i get to CHOOSE how i will handle them, rather than allowing myself to be swept into a reaction to a feeling. i do have a bit of recovery and when i remember that i do what i do, because i choose to do so, than i get the FREEDOM that has been given to me, through that string of days i have put together. i may not be perfect, but if i allow myself to be, i can be a little bit more perfect than i was yesterday,

∞ DT ∞