Blog entry for:

the most difficult skill i am learning in recovery and one that i have to practice on a daily basis. i can say that i am coping well, BUT, and it is a ginormous one, when i am edgy, nervous and dissatisfied with nearly everything in my life, more than likely, i am not coping very well at all. after twenty months or so, of caring for my aging parents, i am beginning to see what sort of smoke and mirrors i hid behind, as they declined into the state they are now at. losing my Dad and watching my Mom sink in the morass of her aging process, is upsetting to me and quite honestly i am not coping very well with her acceptance of what she believes she can and cannot do. i know the correct course of action is to let go and support her decisions, and most of the time, well to tell the truth, some of the time, i can do just that.
what keeps coming up for me and it is more than a bit upsetting is my judgement of how obtuse some of my peers are about the consequences of their behaviors. i am not certain, why i cannot let go of that and i take it as a “sign” of looking to my own sh!t and making sure i can accept the consequences of my actions, or even better paying attention in the here and now and rejecting the need to rationalize and justify away any misgivings i may or may not have. when two different disparate groups of people say that i am being an asshole, they are probably correct and it is up to me to ditch the lies i told myself to allow me to act in such a manner. today, just for today, i think i will put aside my training, put aside my concerns about my job and put away my concerns about my family members who are not in the best of health and just chill and relax. some time, coping means just letting go and doing something good for me.

∞ DT ∞