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by bullying my way through each problem or grinding my teeth while giving myself a stern lecture about how i should handle them.
exactly what else is there to do, after all my self-will is the only will i can truly count on is it not? well not actually, self-will may seem to feel like the only sure way to get things to happen, however the reading this morning suggests another way -- reliance on the will of a POWER GREATER THAN ME! my experience has been that self-will only carries me so far, and most of the time the results may appear to be what i always wanted, but when i look at the situation from a rational and calmer view point, i discover that there is yet another mess i have to go back and clean-up. so pausing when frustrated, taking a breath and saying a quick prayer -- foxhole type or not -- is probably no is definitely a valid suggestion for this addict. impulsive acts and behaviors got me and still continue to get me into untenable situations.
not only do i suffer from the disease of addiction, i also seem to suffer from selective dementia. i forget or twist the memory of what happens when i bully my way through the day to day frustrations of living, and when presented with a situation that does not meet my immediate approval, my first reaction is to rely on self, once again. it is almost as if i never have relied on any power greater than me or that i am once again back in the same spiritual boat as when i got here, smirking at the ides of anything beyond my senses. when i do follow the breathe and pray suggestion, i am amazed that i even considered doing so, even though that is becoming my default manner of handling life, slowly and surely.
so what do i take from this bit of pondering the daily reading? well for one thing, my first reaction to any frustrating situation is probably not the most correct and that i need a moment to truly consider my next action. running my life on anger and in a reactive mode is not the best way for this addict to live today, after all, it is one day at a time program and all i have is right now to do my best to live by the suggestions that have got me this far.

∞ DT ∞