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i will find myself coping better and smiling more often. as i sit here this morning thinking about this reading, i can see that my seed is a little on the Santa God side, or at least can be interpreted as such. although the reading was talking about drawing things like patience and tolerance for the well that is my Higher Power, i could see the ‘whatever’ part of my headline quickly turn to material needs. what i want to make clear, is that for me, a HIGHER POWER provides me the means to GET my material NEEDS met, money does not just drop out of the sky and land in my bank account, nor would i expect that to ever happen. that sort of shit does happen to my spiritual bank account, however, and that is where this particular set of random thoughts seems to be heading.
even when i was using, back when i would not know a spiritual principle if it dropped out of the sky and hit me on my thick head, there were times when i was capable of doing things far beyond my abilities. not that i could jump higher, run faster, or suddenly have the ability to lift a ton of scrap metal. no there were times when i somehow got the courage to face a fear, or acquired a bit of compassion when an acquaintance needed some, or even <GASP> did a good deed without expectation of reward or without anyone seeing me do it. those times, while few and far between, are evidence that i was already hooked into the spiritual source of my recovery, and that even then, even though i could not see it or feel it, i was part of something beyond this profane experience called life. so it should have come as no surprise to me, that after the drugs wore off, after the effects of using started to fade, after the growth of step work started to be apparent that the source that was always there would be more easily accessible to me. well it was a surprise and a shock to my fragile system, and one that almost sent me running back to the comfort of religion. all of a sudden, i had to own the fact that i was a spiritual being within a physical shell and that there was more happening around me than my five conventional senses could detect. that was the thunderbolt experience for me, because ever since that day, i have done my best to be hooked into that source. before i mislead, that day did not come 12 years ago, although i would be hard-pressed to say when that event occurred, as i was there for it, but not at all present. such has been most of my recovery to this point, things happen and i realize it only after the fact. i am getting better at being present, and perhaps during my run this morning, i will be able to remember when this event occurred to me, or not. it really is irrelevant to the here and now. speaking of the here and now, i do have FAITH today that the POWER that keeps me clean, will provide me with the spiritual tools i NEED to live another day in active recovery. my spiritual bank account has more than sufficient funds for me to handle what little annoyances or frustrations that may fill my day living life on life’s terms.
with that thought i think i will wrap up this morning exercise by saying it is BECAUSE of those who have walked this path before me, and those who walk this path with me, that i have the ability to BELIEVE today. yes it might be superstitious, BUT something has provided me the means to get clean, stay clean and have the desire to be clean today. no matter what i call it, no matter how i slice it, that is a miracle for this addict. for that miracle this addict is grateful and ready to enter the world to interact with whatever comes my way, and the next thing is a chilly frigid morning coupled with cold hard pavement as i takes care of that physical shell that housed the spiritual being i call me. so off to the streets i go!

∞ DT ∞