Blog entry for:

is certainly an apt description about how i handle the minor and not minor events that disrupt my daily plans. when i feel put upon, disrespected, diminished or ignored by those around me, things get even worse. one of the men who once called me their sponsor was notorious for getting all bent out of shape at the faintest whiff of disrespect and i understand how that can happen to me, after living through one of the most frustrating periods of my life. i may not be able to figure out what was going on with my former sponsee and friend, but i certainly know now, what was and still is going on with me.
somehow, i have taken on the role of the primary caretaker for my parents. even though it was something i might not have been willing to do, a year ago, the reality of the situation is that my responsibility in that role, will only increase as time goes by. i am not sure that i can “handle” the stress of seeing their decline and adjusting my life to do for them what they are increasingly unable to do for themselves, and i am not in a good spot about what that future may look like. i persevere, because i want them to be able to remain independent-ish and live in their own home for as long as possible. i have finally come to terms with those facts and the fact that my siblings who live in town, cannot or will not step up to assist, until some crisis manifests in the lives of my parents. all of sudden, now they are concerned and ready to spend time with our parents. i guess what ticks me off the most, is their smug and self-righteous attitudes when they hang at the house all day long, when i have been purposefully avoiding that option, to allow my parents the freedom to do stuff for themselves. when i felt all of that this morning, it really came down to where the fVck is my medal for getting them this far and allowing them the freedom to live?
<BOOM > there it is, the slightest whiff of disrespect and i am already emotionally entangled in crap i really do not need. what i took away from “listening” to GOD this morning, was that no matter how pure my motives may be, no matter how long i get to “help” my parents stay in their home, it is up tom me to okay with doing them that service with no expectation of reward. serving my parents anonymously will allow me the freedom to be myself and live a life with two fewer resentments, just for today.

∞ DT ∞