Blog entry for:

me coming back, even after a minute clean. after a rather pleasant drive into the office today, i got my usual desk snatched out from under me, due to my own negligence. sitting on the other side of the world is not all that bad, and i may just make this my new home, away from home. i did get pissy and wanted to smash the face of the dude who called me “buddy” with derision, but i sulked away and found a different desk. after having a rough night because i chose to return to the scene of the crime, the hike that put me on injured reserve, i was not in the mood to place nice with anyone and i had to take a breath and be okay. stuff like that happens and when it does, it really is in my best interest to let it go and move on. however, now that latest and greatest “drama” has been dealt with, it is time to dive into what i heard this morning.
as i sat this morning, i remembered what it was like at those first few meetings i attended before i got clean. i was more than a little put off about how familiar everyone seemed to be with each other and did not seem to even notice me. actually, at that time, i believed that was a good thing and today, i understand why my thinking was so one hundred and eighty degrees out of reality. when i finally did get clean and was traveling between fellowships, i still felt as if i was an outsider, as i did not get what they were talking about, everything they said was like a foreign language to me. i finally started to see that even though they were quite a motley crew, they were all united in their desire to stay clean and do something more with their lives. i may not have been ready to take that leap of faith, but when i was, and it took a very long minute, they were their to bring me into the fold.
being a part of this fellowship, i have seen more than a few times where personalities have gotten in the way of unity and i know that i was one of those for a period of time. these days, when i feel put out, as i did at work this morning, i have to look to see if i have a part in it, and surprise, surprise i certainly do, most of the time. when i decide to do my best to be a unifying member rather than force my will upon the group or service body, i get more out of the experience than i can enumerate. i learn to have a bit of humility, i can attract the newest of the new to come back and i feel a bit more whole and genuine. as i have stuff to do and code to get ready to deploy, i think i will let go of my bad self, feel good about accomplishing the hike yesterday and coffee up and knuckle down, remembering that just for today, being part of something greater is better than being correct.

∞ DT ∞