π i was certainly π₯΅
Posted: Tue, Apr 15, 2025 06:54:21 AM
one of those, who continued to steal, cheat to get ahead, or promote a clean date that was not quite... accurate. although i the nature of my insanity goes directly to how i view myself in context of my recovery and the world around me, i still need to see what i was, to see my progress in becoming who i desire to be. i know that looking back may keep my living in a skin that no longer fits. i also am aware that dismissing or minimizing who i was, will not foster my recovery progress. i have lived in denial of who i am and who i want to be, for long enough.
my source material was about honesty and how it has been integrated in my life. it is true, when i lie, it never is for a good reason and most of the time, it is just to see if i can get away with something, namely gaslighting someone or denying my humanity. it really is a bit disconcerting that i can be truthful about the big things, but little tiny trivial shit, is the stuff i choose to “weave a tale” about. here is where i go down the path into my insanity staring with the phrase, “after all this time i SHOULD know better.” instead of taking a beat and asking myself, why i have the desire to lie about something so inconsequential.
i do have to look for some balance here and as i sat, what i kept hearing was the counter argument that although i still drop into very ancient and familiar patterns of telling tales to appear larger than i am, most of the time i live in a state of being who i am and who i am becoming, good, bad or in different. i certainly can live paying heed to the evidence of how “bad” i am, even when it is minor, or i can objectively look at all the evidence and judge myself accordingly, which means i am doing much better than i want to admit. for me, there is a certain comfort in being, just a little bit “less than.”
it is time for this addict to post this little ditty and get out for a run this morning. i will not be doing intervals, as suggested by my watch, as i did not sleep well last night. as i figure out the balance between training and being healthy, i know that i have to turn off the judge, jury and executioner that live in my head. that terrible trio vacillates between, i am not working at it hard enough to meet any sort of goal, to my goal is beyond me, so why bother. both are flawed thinking on my part and certainly part of the insanity i wish to be restored from, just for today.
my source material was about honesty and how it has been integrated in my life. it is true, when i lie, it never is for a good reason and most of the time, it is just to see if i can get away with something, namely gaslighting someone or denying my humanity. it really is a bit disconcerting that i can be truthful about the big things, but little tiny trivial shit, is the stuff i choose to “weave a tale” about. here is where i go down the path into my insanity staring with the phrase, “after all this time i SHOULD know better.” instead of taking a beat and asking myself, why i have the desire to lie about something so inconsequential.
i do have to look for some balance here and as i sat, what i kept hearing was the counter argument that although i still drop into very ancient and familiar patterns of telling tales to appear larger than i am, most of the time i live in a state of being who i am and who i am becoming, good, bad or in different. i certainly can live paying heed to the evidence of how “bad” i am, even when it is minor, or i can objectively look at all the evidence and judge myself accordingly, which means i am doing much better than i want to admit. for me, there is a certain comfort in being, just a little bit “less than.”
it is time for this addict to post this little ditty and get out for a run this morning. i will not be doing intervals, as suggested by my watch, as i did not sleep well last night. as i figure out the balance between training and being healthy, i know that i have to turn off the judge, jury and executioner that live in my head. that terrible trio vacillates between, i am not working at it hard enough to meet any sort of goal, to my goal is beyond me, so why bother. both are flawed thinking on my part and certainly part of the insanity i wish to be restored from, just for today.
∞ DT ∞