Some memes

as i sat in my home group this morning, quietly listening to what was being shared and being unwilling to open my mouth, a notion came up from the depths. the lie that i was too broken that guided my life for over five decades, had yet to be revealed to me. yes too broken is a general and vague term. what exactly i was afraid of anyone seeing, was that i was exactly that: a weak and feeble person. the shame i carried from the abuse, the humiliation i felt when i was thrown in face as an adult in a moment of telling a drunken “funny story” and burying it under the rationalization of “i have dealt with that,” is all about those three words. revealing that to anyone else during my life, would mean i would have to own that. for me, it was easier to hide my shame in bluster and a sharp tongue. in a twisted sense, i could maintain the illusion of control and strength if i denied my shame. when it was thrown in my face, it was easier to laugh with the crowd, rather than own how hurtful the episode was to me and how i still carried a scar from it. that fact, seems to drive my judgement of the world around me, the people in it and gives me the permission to treat them with contempt. i have to thank my little AI personal recovery model for pointing me in the correct direction and the pain of admitting this to my sponsor, will be justified as i will be able to release it.
before i had my little epiphany and decided that today was not the day to share that tidbit, i was focused on cooperation despite friction. honestly i was not all that willing to take a peek at that subject and tried four times to develop a new seed. each and every one, led back to the topics i have been hammering over the next week. i was unwilling to go over that ground again this morning, so i settled on this topic. it was almost as if i was going to be pushed to contemplate this topic no matter what. what i see know, is my epiphany and this topic do collide quite nicely. living in my lie and the shame it produced, created all sorts of friction with those around me, as i “needed&38221; to be correct, all the freaking time. releasing that shame ion my last FIFTH STEP helped reduce that pressure and i became less concerned about getting my way in group conscience and how my peers shared. that is not to say that i have eliminated all the hills i will die on, the biggest being reading of the Twelve Traditions in meetings. i still believe that even though reading them, takes time away from sharing, it is important for groups to remember how to function within the structure of the fellowship.
conflict, friction and chaos defined my life in active addiction. those themes did not disappear overnight and they echo still today. i like to stir the pot every now and again and sit back and watch what happens. today, when i do so, it is never out of cruelty or to express my superiority, it is simply to have a bit of fun with my friends and peers. they always laugh with me as well, once the figure out what i started. i may still see myself as weak and feeble and all the self-deprecation is my way of forcing me to be stronger and less prone to human failings. well it is no longer working and i certainly am willing to find the exit door into a life where i can do more than accept my failings and i can forgive myself for my missteps and mistakes.

∞ DT ∞