Blog entry for:

freedom, where once i had no choice about much of anything at all. one of my favorite questions in the literature upon which i base my TENTH STEP, is “Did i remember i had a choice today?” i particularly find it not only amusing and a touch ironic, but it goes straight to the point that i have the choice to choose how i live my life these days and the choice to accept responsibility for the choices i may make. in active addiction i did my best not to choose and allow myself the “freedom” to live my life by default. my rationale for that life style was that is i did not choose, i could blame someone or something else, when things did not work out. yes, i know, i still had made a choice, not to choose.
these days, it seems as if my life is filled with nothing but choice from the time i open my eyes in the morning, until the time i lay my head on the pillow. even with a minute clean, i can get overwhelmed by the multitude of choice i have in my life and cast an envious eye at my friend, who is paralyzed by fear and will not or cannot choose to actually do anything for themselves. they have no responsibilities and allow themselves to be swept downstream by the acts of those who exercise power over their life. i do not think they are happy, joyous and free, but they do not “need” to do anything, because they are certain their actions are doomed to fail, so living by default, locked in a hotel room, seems like the next right thing to do. so they get by and i guess i would as well.
today, however, just getting by is no more acceptable to me than mere abstinence. for others, those states of being may be okay, but for this addict, they are not. i did not get clean just to survive to be miserable for yet another day. i did not even realize how miserable i was when i was just getting by and it was not until i saw that life was a bit more exciting when i chose to live it, that i rejected the notion that getting by another day was a successful day. i know today, there will be days when i just barely get by, and i accept that as a possibility. i can, however, choose to take those days in stride and make the effort to do what i need to do to thrive, even if it feels futile and useless. some days are just like that. right here and right now, i am choosing to post this little exercise on the inter-webs and do a bit of work for my employer, before i take the rest of the day off to do nothing at all. 😁

∞ DT ∞