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by my choices, even when i choose not to choose. if one knew me back in the day, one might have been led to believe that i was a decisive person, when in reality that was all smoke and mirrors. i actually lived my life in a state of default, allowing other people, outside events and the powers that be, to choose for me, as part of my desire to live a life free from any responsibility. that worked, sort of, and as a result i could blame the consequences of not choosing on something, anything other than myself. looking at that behavior through the lens of my seed this morning, i can certainly see that i no matter how hard i tried to cover that up, i was an open book when it came to being less than reliable, honest or diligent in any task or commitment i made. i always had an excuse and when i could not manufacture one, a bit of self-righteous indignation and anger, served to keep the wolves at bay. my interaction with my niece has brought all those pigeons home to roost and i am more ware of when i choose to slip back into that comfortable, familiar behavior.
as i sit here this morning, i am choosing to defer my physical workout until after a bit of a spiritual one. i could spend those forty five minutes planning on what i write here, but instead i CHOOSE to write what is on my mind, rather than polishing it off while walking around the hood. the notion that i define myself by the choices i make is one that evokes a sense of dread and fear. life sure felt easier when i allowed the world around me to define me, even though it was all an illusion. it is true, that when reality crept in too close to what i was attempting to protect, there was always a behavior or substance in reach to push it away for at least twenty minutes or so. living a life where i accept and live up to my responsibility to face the outcomes of the choices i make on a daily basis, may not be the easier or softer way, but it certainly beats the alternative of floating along on the whims of life on its own terms.
i often wonder where i might be, if i chose all those days ago, not to take that very first drug. i know that i exhibited a plethora of the common behaviors of a garden variety addict, long before i made that first choice. even after getting high for the very first time, i might still have been able to back out and live a life of abstinence. i am not sure how that might have played out, but today, i know that i am an addict who chooses to be responsible for the life he is living. that life may be far from perfect, but it certainly is better than the one i came from and judging by the life my niece is living, i am grateful i found it. i may not be an independent soul, but i certainly have more than a bit of freedom and autonomy today. i need not react to stimuli, as i have the ways and means to respond to it instead. i can feel what i am feeling and understand that feelings are transient and often gone in sixty seconds. most importantly i no longer have the desire to reach for something outside of me, to fix my insides, most of the time. life is better when i choose recovery and it is the path i choose, just for today.

∞ DT ∞