Blog entry for:

stereotyping, and moralizing, OH MY! this morning, this reading made me think of how i have been seeing the world lately, especially those folks who are part of my life. the truth is, because of how much i have been beating up on myself since writing out my FOURTH STEP, i have been much quicker to judge others, take their inventories and cast motives on their behaviors. that very behavior, of course gives me just one more reason to punish myself and look at myself as something less than deserving of the grace and mercy that is offered through the process of working the steps. it finally reached a point over the course of the past few days, where i had to stop and classify all that i do, into one of three categories: punishment, reward and neutral. i have uncovered that i have been seeing my fitness program as a punishment and tobacco as a reward, when that is actually the exact opposite of the effects those activities have on my physical, emotional and spiritual self.
my physical activity in the early morning, gives me time to shut down my thinking, pound the poisons of modern living out of my system and make me look and feel better than i have felt in years. it has lowered my resting pulse rate to the high 50's and allows me to sleep more soundly and deeply than i have in years. tobacco use on the other hand drags my resting pulse back up, keeps me from sleeping well and fills me with a DESIRE that i read as a NEED to do even more. in fact, when i cave and use tobacco, i tell myself i “deserve” it, instead of asking why i have decided in that slice of time to punish myself and do something that is destructive to what i am trying to accomplish. it does go with the narrative of the sick and twisted truth i carried with me for over five decades, that someone who is as broken as i am, does not deserve to be good to themselves and has the duty to stand by the sidelines and let the rest of the world enjoy themselves.
right here and right now, i am taking the steps necessary to forgive myself for taking on the “broken” mantle and carrying at the TRUTH. that starts with allowing myself to be rewarded by that which is truly good for me and to stop punishing myself for being so awfully human. i can CHOOSE the path i wish to take this morning and when, at the meeting of my home group, the we's and the you's take over, i can breathe, listen to what is being said and toss my judgement into the “bit bucket,” JUST FOR TODAY.

∞ DT ∞