Blog entry for:

someone into a pigeonhole, is certainly the easier, softer way. using many interactions with an individual and seeing their less than stellar, IMHO, behavior, time and again, may just be the means by which i rationalize my misjudgement, bolstering my case, rather than searching for the means to free them from that judgement. when one of my peers, refuse to use **i, me, mine** when they share about their stuff, i form a judgement about where they are in their lives, casting my motives for acting in that manner, onto them.
i was certainly one of those who frequently used “you” when i shared about my stuff. over the course of time and a bit of step work, i came to see that i was casting myself as somehow superior and in a position of authority, wielding my weaponized experience, as the means to make myself feel better and diminish my lack of self-esteem. freely dispensing advice, through what i shared in open meetings allowed me the freedom to rise above the fray and appear to be better off than i actually was. looking back on that phase of my recovery, i can see how utterly clueless about what i was doing, as i became habituated to sharing in that manner, the boiling frog paradigm, writ large.
the flip side of distancing myself from what is going on inside, is me using “we” and ”us” instead. that phase passed quickly as i was never good about being “part of” anything and being “inclusive” was a stretch for me. i can say, that when i hear my peers who have some clean time and have worked some steps, lumping my experience into theirs, i feel insulted and disrespected. the judge, jury and executioner kicks into high gear and <BOOM> everything they share after that gets tossed into my bit bucket, with callous disregard and extreme prejudice. i return the favor by making them “less than” and trot along in my own merry way. the reading this morning, brought that to light, as i am now exposed to one of the most egregious offenders in the virtual meetings i have been attending. i am doing my best to stop the judgement train from leaving the station and perhaps that is the nature of the problem. i am so laser focused on stopping and suppressing i lose the freedom to accept and listen. living life “cock sure” of who i am, especially in these very uncertain times, is not a healthy solution. i sense rigidity coming back to haunt me, as i try to cling on to the notion that everything is alright and all i have to do is apply myself a little bit harder to the issue at hand.
the facts of my life are that my parents are in decline and will need me to step up. what that may look like and how to implement that, is still a work in progress. i slept last night, after i took the call from my dad, telling me my Mom would be okay and they are not infected by COVID-19. it may be, that in this case, i may need to become their personal chef. more will certainly be revealed and just for right now, i think i will leave that in the “i will think about that later” bin.

∞ DT ∞