Blog entry for:

of another, is certainly part of my daily affairs and it may not be as detrimental to my recovery journey as i want to make it. before i get accused of justifying and rationalizing my **bad** behavior, perhaps i need to explain that statement. after all, what i read and what i heard seems to contradict the seed i used to get the ball rolling for this exercise.
i do see basing my entire opinion of another based on a judgement of a behavior, as something i need to allow to be changed. those judgements are subject to prejudice and bias, especially if i do not know those that i am happening to judge. when i look to my peers, especially those i have known for a minute or so, the same rule does not apply. most of the time, my judgements are not based on assumptions, projections or extrapolations of their current behaviors. what i am looking for, is the behaviors i want to emulate and those i want to have removed from my repertoire. i did qualify that last statement just because that is not always the case. i have been subject to bouts of envy and jealousy that color my judgements and hence my opinions and behaviors of others. in those cases, which are not as limited as i would have myself believe, it is me who needs to be corrected and to gather further information.
which quite nicely brings me to my judgement and reaction to the behaviors of one of my peers, that has been my obsession over the past few months. i certainly want top give them the benefit of the doubt and then they share or do something that reinforces my judgement that they lack a grip on reality and <BOOM> i spin down into the pit of hate and doom again. as hard as i try and see their “positive” traits, of which they have many, their current behaviors overshadow that perception and all i can see is the “negative” ones. what that has led me towards, is a path of limiting my social interaction with them and maintaining courteous and cool manner when i am in their presence. it hardly ever works out that way, because they will do or say something, just about anything, and off i go again, down into the darkness. what this indicate is, that i am not as “recovered” as i want to believe i am, and it is my journey that needs correction. moving into the here and now, there is certainly a new notion to explore during my daily inventory, specifically did i judge another based on their past, rather than looking at what they are doing in the here and now? was that judgement based in envy or prejudice?
on that note, i think i will wrap this up and certainly send a missive to the universe asking that i need not explain myself to anyone, just for today.

∞ DT ∞