Blog entry for:

i try not to judge, stereotype, or moralize. of course, that is the ideal state, and i can always rationalize that particular laundry list of behaviors as i am only human. even better, i am an addict, covers a whole range of sins, including my tendency to judge and stereotype others based on observed behavior.
i could end this right now, after all, i am who i am, and i will never be anything more than an addict in recovery. such a fatalistic attitude, while quite accurate, undermines what i am trying to do. it would be wonderful for me to say that i am so far down the recovery road that i NEVER undermine my view of myself with such counterproductive self-talk. i do, however, live in the real world, and the truth is, there are times when i feel ashamed of judging and stereotyping. since i no longer choose to use the quick fix of acting out or using, i have to deal with this emotion head on.
the cycle of shame, was part of active addiction. it was avoiding guilt that allowed me to live in shame and as i hate to feel shame, i would use again, adding to that already mountainous pile of sh!t. the nice part of doing this gig, even less than perfectly, is that i can process that mountain and over time it has been reduced to near manageable levels. does that mean i am proud of everything i do on a daily basis? well, er…
what it means that as i live a program of recovery, i do less things that i need to feel guilt over, and if i feel less guilt, than i have less opportunities to morph guilt into shame. when i feel guilty, i have the tools available to redress the harms i have done to others. once again short-circuiting the guilt to shame transformation process.
so enough about how i deal with my far from stellar behaviors. the reading was about specifically as set of not so stellar behaviors, which just happen to be part of my defective character list. i know i am not unique in that, and i also know that making snap judgements based on observed behavior was quite the survival skill in active addiction. it was also part of the skill-set that i acquired before i took that first drug, back on that oh so fateful day. as such, it probably means that if i truly want to be free from it, i will probably have to be on the other side of the dirt. i can accept that today. what that insight provides is that if i want to live up to that ideal, i NEED to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to transform me into the person i have always wanted to be. which right here and right now, i can accept and allow.
does that mean i will not judge or moralize today? no it does not. practically speaking, what it means, is that:
1) i can keep that crap in my own head, instead of sharing it with others and
2) i can look to what is going on inside of me, that is creating the desire to judge and moralize.
as a result, i can use this behavior as a springboard into a better manner of living. so it is time to go live a bit, work a bit and be a part of the world around me. with the thought in mind that i may not be perfect but just for today, if i continue to live a program to the best of my ability, i can be more perfect than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞