Blog entry for:

the assets in my peers, acquaintances, friends, family members, loved ones and hell, even total strangers, is not a skill i arrived in the rooms with at all. in fact, i would say that i always looked for the worst, to protect myself from the inevitable pain of all sorts of human behaviors, and in the end, i trusted no one to get close enough for me to even begin to look for a single asset.
early recovery was not much different, if i kept my distance, safe in my “high castle,” the poseurs and the hypocrites, would not get in, and i would stay safe. needless to say, i found very few “true believers,” in those days, as not a single one of my peers was perfect and totally spiritual, in fact they were grossly human and flawed. time and again, i won the argument that this recovery gig was not going to work out, because there were no “gurus,” and no true path to salvation. so eighteen months of fumbling through this dark, hiding in the twilight of my denial structure and seeing no one to emulate, left me at a spot where i really did not know how i was going to comply with the rest of my judicial sentence and get out of jail forever. choosing a fellowship, learning to trust one of those flawed beings, bit by bit and starting a set of steps in the correct fellowship, started the process that is still ongoing today.
as a result of three step cycles, some days clean and opening my mind to the spiritual principles of this program and the direction given me by my sponsors, i am no longer cynical, suspicious nor aloof and distant, like magic that structure has vanished and i am so fVcking well, that beams of light radiate out of every orifice, NOT! what has happened though, is that i no longer live in that dank, dark twilight of that denial structure and have made moves toward living in the spiritual light of the program. it is true, that i have learned to embrace my cynicism and paradoxically, it helps me let go of it. by recognizing that my opinions are being driven in that direction, i have the opportunity to change my mind. yes and that has made all the difference.
judging others, well it is still a part of me, acting on those judgements, well not nearly as often. stereotyping? not part of what i am today, although more often than not, i still try and assign motives for what i interpret as “bad” behaviors, based on those parts of me, that i am less than thrilled with, still after a few days clean, in a row.
so when the newest of the new, complain to me that they feel judged, or worse deny that they are feeling judged, i can ask them with a clear conscience, does it really matter and are you too wimpy to fade a bit of heat and find your own place in this fellowship. it si after all, all about how i recover these days, and i do not need anyone's permission or good graces to be where i NEED to be.

∞ DT ∞