Some memes

and true acceptance. were certainly present at my very first meeting, but i was doing my best to disqualify myself, so i did not take advantage of what was being offered. even though i was the newest of the new, i was far from my last use and had absolutely no intention of becoming one of those “losers,” who could not handle their drugs. i am quite sure that had i been the least bit open to what was being offered i would have six or so months more clean time and certainly a different trajectory through my recovery path. ah, if only…, i should have…, i could have… all lead to the same place, a bit of shit talking about myself and regrets about a road not traveled. the reality of my life, is that i now am more than certain, that i NEEDED to go through all that i have endured, since that fateful date when i was sentenced to abstinence, to arrive at where i am today. the one thing i did notice, was when the rest of the world was treating me like a “fucking addict,” who was weak, feeble and untrustworthy, the members ion the rooms did treat me with respect. that was perhaps, when the shit hit the fan, i ended up coming back and actually staying.
as i leave that sordid past behind me and focus on what i “heard” this morning, i know that i have been in and out of unconditionally loving the addicts that i share my recovery with, especially those that i deem to be nonredeemable. i am better than i used to be, that is the good news part. there are still, however, a few that cause me to draw back, just by walking into the same space as me. as hard as i try, i find those who live their lives as victims, oblivious to anything but their own desires, i backslide into indifference and discount anything that comes out of their mouths. in fact, most of the time, i wish they would just shut the fuck up and get a clue or three. i know i am not the great and powerful, that i once pretended to be and i certainly hope that this current round of steps will help me to soften my heart, to those it is severely hardened towards at this time. certainly a worthy goal.
on that little trippy note, i think i will step into his morning and get some miles under my sneakers. i am grateful that i can feel the direction i seem to be moving in and willing to do what it may take to foster that journey. just for today, i will see what prejudices and biases i can release and how many judgements i can defer until more information is revealed to me.

∞ DT ∞