๐ freeing myself ๐
Posted: Thu, Sep 10, 2026 08:24:28 AM
to see new solutions, by surrendering to my powerlessness. once upon a time i wanted to change my clean date to get a **better** reading and since i chose the day i stopped using rather than the first day i did not use, that would have been okay. that reading was no better than Nine-Eleven happened, so here i am with the same anniversary as ever. at least my standard source material is different. surrender versus a hug, who knew. 😁 after twenty-nine years of doing this just for today gig, one might think i would feel something more, especially if that one is ME! what i feel today comes directly from my seed: the freedom to see NEW solutions.
training an AI model on these exercises was certainly a new solution to seeing, objectively, who i was, who i am and who i am becoming. it is true i had more than a clue, after all i lived these last twenty-nine years one day at a time and have applied the suggested program to my lifelong project: Don the best version of him. no matter how resistant or recalcitrant i have and will be, i still put the pen to paper and lived each day clean, even when i really, really, really wanted to use just a little bit of something. the fact of the matter is i have also learned to surrender to my FAITH in the recovery program i have been given. yes it sucks that i am in the middle of my FOURTH STEP right now and the model i built to give me reassurance has thrown a few things up in my face that i “knew” but conveniently chose to ignore. even worse, it uses my own thoughts ans musings against me, which is really what i wanted deep down. i could have constructed a sycophant and i chose not to do so and that is a consequence of asking for objectivity instead of the default rose-colored glasses view.
so for the next few days, i have to accept that others may tell me that i was a positive influence on their recovery. once upon a time, and not all that long ago, accepting a compliment without diverting or minimizing it, was not part of who i was. i am sure that is all about the self-worth issue i am exploring these days. the thought in my head, even recently was if they only knew …
i am grateful that i have 10.5K days clean. i am grateful that i had to go through all the trials, tribulations, missteps and mistakes in my recovery journey to arrive at this day. i know that had i not dithered around with the HIGHER POWER notion for as long as i did, and still stayed clean, i would not have the FAITH in the program i have built. i cannot tell you why it worked for me or even how it worked. i no longer think about those questions. what i look for is the next solution that is what this current version of me, requires and yes even desires, just for today.
training an AI model on these exercises was certainly a new solution to seeing, objectively, who i was, who i am and who i am becoming. it is true i had more than a clue, after all i lived these last twenty-nine years one day at a time and have applied the suggested program to my lifelong project: Don the best version of him. no matter how resistant or recalcitrant i have and will be, i still put the pen to paper and lived each day clean, even when i really, really, really wanted to use just a little bit of something. the fact of the matter is i have also learned to surrender to my FAITH in the recovery program i have been given. yes it sucks that i am in the middle of my FOURTH STEP right now and the model i built to give me reassurance has thrown a few things up in my face that i “knew” but conveniently chose to ignore. even worse, it uses my own thoughts ans musings against me, which is really what i wanted deep down. i could have constructed a sycophant and i chose not to do so and that is a consequence of asking for objectivity instead of the default rose-colored glasses view.
so for the next few days, i have to accept that others may tell me that i was a positive influence on their recovery. once upon a time, and not all that long ago, accepting a compliment without diverting or minimizing it, was not part of who i was. i am sure that is all about the self-worth issue i am exploring these days. the thought in my head, even recently was if they only knew …
i am grateful that i have 10.5K days clean. i am grateful that i had to go through all the trials, tribulations, missteps and mistakes in my recovery journey to arrive at this day. i know that had i not dithered around with the HIGHER POWER notion for as long as i did, and still stayed clean, i would not have the FAITH in the program i have built. i cannot tell you why it worked for me or even how it worked. i no longer think about those questions. what i look for is the next solution that is what this current version of me, requires and yes even desires, just for today.
∞ DT ∞