๐ boredom may ๐
Posted: Fri, Apr 17, 2026 06:44:20 AM
sometimes mean that i am locking in the inability to see past myself. i am not quite so sure about that, but i do get the point, my life and how i see the world around me , can be as boring or exciting as i make it. in days gone by, i certainly knew how to fix that issue with a bit of chaos injected into my life and inflicted on those around me. a jab here, my finger on the scale or a quick manipulation and then the world was once again “under my thumb. every now and again, my schemes would backfire, but at least i was not bored anymore. 😆
it was not as if i came to recovery and was instantly relieved of having to move people around like chess pieces and knocking the board over when things got too dull. in fact, i had a whole new set of folks to play with and all sorts of new ways to pretend i was a good guy and just “helping out,” when all i wanted was to rock the boat. it took a very long minute until i finally saw that i was incapable of looking past myself and that leaving a wake of chaos as i passed was not really the solution to anything i was feeling. the realization that all of that was a cover to keep everyone away from me, really rocked my world and my first NINTH STEP in this fellowship, drove that lesson home. having to go back and make amends for “being bored,” was embarrassing and humbling and part of my Tenth STEP to this day, is a quick check to see if i have lapsed back into that behavior.
this morning as i decided against the two offerings i had, this random chance reading, struck me right between the eyes, figuratively anyhow. the lead into this boredom piece was that there is a fine line between serenity and complacency. i am not quite sure about that, but i do know that i have been stalled on writing my resentment list, just the names, not the actual resentments. i have a feeling that i am trending towards complacency and i know what the usually means for me anyhow: looking for the ways and means to change something up. there is always a bit of pot stirring available to me and i still can rock the boat just a little bit, to get a swirl or two of chaos. those skills are still part of who i am. i also know that just for today, the cure is worse than the dis-ease and i think that i may choose a different path.
it was not as if i came to recovery and was instantly relieved of having to move people around like chess pieces and knocking the board over when things got too dull. in fact, i had a whole new set of folks to play with and all sorts of new ways to pretend i was a good guy and just “helping out,” when all i wanted was to rock the boat. it took a very long minute until i finally saw that i was incapable of looking past myself and that leaving a wake of chaos as i passed was not really the solution to anything i was feeling. the realization that all of that was a cover to keep everyone away from me, really rocked my world and my first NINTH STEP in this fellowship, drove that lesson home. having to go back and make amends for “being bored,” was embarrassing and humbling and part of my Tenth STEP to this day, is a quick check to see if i have lapsed back into that behavior.
this morning as i decided against the two offerings i had, this random chance reading, struck me right between the eyes, figuratively anyhow. the lead into this boredom piece was that there is a fine line between serenity and complacency. i am not quite sure about that, but i do know that i have been stalled on writing my resentment list, just the names, not the actual resentments. i have a feeling that i am trending towards complacency and i know what the usually means for me anyhow: looking for the ways and means to change something up. there is always a bit of pot stirring available to me and i still can rock the boat just a little bit, to get a swirl or two of chaos. those skills are still part of who i am. i also know that just for today, the cure is worse than the dis-ease and i think that i may choose a different path.
∞ DT ∞