๐ฐ when i am ๐ฐ
Posted: Thu, Apr 16, 2026 09:45:02 AM
active in my commitment to the Fellowship; when i am disciplined; my addiction is rendered powerless. as i start my 70th trip around Sol, i am more than certain that i am right were i need to be, even though a year ago i could hardly imagine not working forty hours a week and being able to coast into my daily routine on a very loosey-goosey schedule. i am still trying to adjust my identity to match my reality, but that, i guess is a work ion progress. what has not change,m is my commitment to my daily program of active recovery and the willingness to keep that pattern intact. i guess, that might be what one might call discipline.
when i sat down to write this little bit of mind-dumpery this morning, what i felt was a sense of gratitude that no one ever told me i “had” to do this or that. what they told me was that i wanted what they were offering, i would have to do the work. when i walked into the rooms, i wanted freedom from the justice system and the only discipline i practiced was not using, even though it felt like every fiber of my being was screaming for “just one more!” 😱 when i finally saw the threshold of recovery and decided that i could always turn back, if things did not get better, i slavishly followed the suggestions of my sponse and seemed to get a bit of relief form my desire to use. what i did not notice was that i was starting to get some relief from my self-entitled, selfish , self-interest and starting to care about those around me. when i woke up to that fact, a few years down the pike, i was amazed, as i never thought i was that type of person. i was quite content being the stoic cold fish.
these days after many days of recovery in a row, i have found a deep abiding sense of self and a place in the world around me, that i fit into. i am no longer that round peg in a square hole. i may still appear to be stoic at times and that is just who i am, as my serenity might be seen as stoicism. today, i am a caring, feeling and totally committed member of my home, family and community and when i practice a bit of discipline, i get to feel more secure in who i am, just for today.
when i sat down to write this little bit of mind-dumpery this morning, what i felt was a sense of gratitude that no one ever told me i “had” to do this or that. what they told me was that i wanted what they were offering, i would have to do the work. when i walked into the rooms, i wanted freedom from the justice system and the only discipline i practiced was not using, even though it felt like every fiber of my being was screaming for “just one more!” 😱 when i finally saw the threshold of recovery and decided that i could always turn back, if things did not get better, i slavishly followed the suggestions of my sponse and seemed to get a bit of relief form my desire to use. what i did not notice was that i was starting to get some relief from my self-entitled, selfish , self-interest and starting to care about those around me. when i woke up to that fact, a few years down the pike, i was amazed, as i never thought i was that type of person. i was quite content being the stoic cold fish.
these days after many days of recovery in a row, i have found a deep abiding sense of self and a place in the world around me, that i fit into. i am no longer that round peg in a square hole. i may still appear to be stoic at times and that is just who i am, as my serenity might be seen as stoicism. today, i am a caring, feeling and totally committed member of my home, family and community and when i practice a bit of discipline, i get to feel more secure in who i am, just for today.
∞ DT ∞