๐ as i continue ๐
Posted: Thu, Apr 17, 2025 07:05:53 AM
taking action, often opposite of my thoughts, i become a little gentler with myself and more accepting of my own humanity. after checking out, yet another sale at one of the online store that i get cigars from, i am ready to dive into this topic. to be honest, i almost decided to go another direction, because i thought this source material was “another one of those group service” topics. i am glad i decided to go down this path, as it might have looked like it was one of those, but in reality it was all about my personal commitment to my program and the fellowship that has given me a life worth living.
what i heard this morning, was that i have the ability to behave my way into better thinking. that process is often described as acting “as-if,” but for me, as-if sounds disingenuous and fake. on the other hand, acting kind, when i want to be a dickhead asshole, certainly may look like acting as-if, when in reality, it is turning towards my better nature. each and every time i CHOOSE kindness when i desire vengeance or justice, i become it lowers the bar for making that choice in the future, at least for this addict. each time i step up to do something i committed to doing, even when i want to be a flake and sit around and do something, i feel better about who i am and the direction in which my life is headed. when i feel better about myself, making those choices becomes even easier, and the positive feedback loop grinds on.
as i start my move into STEP THREE, i am more than a bit hesitant to do so, as that puts me one step closer to my FOURTH STEP i have no idea why on this trip through the steps i feel so anxious about STEP FOUR, when i have worked more than one in the past and i am pretty sure there is nothing in this one that will blow-up my life, that happened on the last one and the debris from those revelations is still landing. perhaps as it is the fact i need to sort through that field of detritus that is driving my FEAR. i do not know, but just for today, i will behave in a manner that allows me to be my best self and forgive myself, when i do not. life is too short for me to live under the thumb of a judge, jury and executioner, who have already decided i deserve to be punished for the crime of being human.
what i heard this morning, was that i have the ability to behave my way into better thinking. that process is often described as acting “as-if,” but for me, as-if sounds disingenuous and fake. on the other hand, acting kind, when i want to be a dickhead asshole, certainly may look like acting as-if, when in reality, it is turning towards my better nature. each and every time i CHOOSE kindness when i desire vengeance or justice, i become it lowers the bar for making that choice in the future, at least for this addict. each time i step up to do something i committed to doing, even when i want to be a flake and sit around and do something, i feel better about who i am and the direction in which my life is headed. when i feel better about myself, making those choices becomes even easier, and the positive feedback loop grinds on.
as i start my move into STEP THREE, i am more than a bit hesitant to do so, as that puts me one step closer to my FOURTH STEP i have no idea why on this trip through the steps i feel so anxious about STEP FOUR, when i have worked more than one in the past and i am pretty sure there is nothing in this one that will blow-up my life, that happened on the last one and the debris from those revelations is still landing. perhaps as it is the fact i need to sort through that field of detritus that is driving my FEAR. i do not know, but just for today, i will behave in a manner that allows me to be my best self and forgive myself, when i do not. life is too short for me to live under the thumb of a judge, jury and executioner, who have already decided i deserve to be punished for the crime of being human.
∞ DT ∞