Some memes

in whatever way i give back that i am able to share with others and to cooperate, and these are not skills i brought to the rooms with me. i almost skipped over commenting on this this morning, as i have a whole lot on my mind. in fact, i almost skipped using this as my source material to draft my day. i decided, instead to write briefly on this before moving on to the here and now. the only time i cooperated with anyone, before i got clean was if they were part of the ways and means to get more, or i was participating in white water rafting. the former was necessary to maintain my addiction, the latter fed my need for risk and adrenaline rushes and was required to come home in one piece and not end up washed down stream as a water logged corpse. my narrow focus served my active addiction, even though i was clueless about the whys and wherefores when i plummeted into the rooms. it was here that i finally saw that my continued existence could not be guaranteed unless i contributed and actively participate in carrying some sort of message, even though i was unsure of what message i was to carry. i learned, however, that i was more of the message than words would ever carry. if someone like me could get clean against his will, stay clean through judicial coercion and finally accept recovery as a way of life, then the hope was there for those who entered recovery after i did.
today, at my home group, the topic was STEP SIX and the humility that arises from STEP SEVEN. that was a great topic for discussion and i did share about how much i hated STEP SIX and the only good thing that followed was the gift of relief in STEP SEVEN. yesterday though, i shared my resentments with my sponsor and my behavior while driving was severely altered. i actually drove the speed limit, allowed other cars to merge in front of me and enjoyed my cigar as instead of clamping down on it as in anger and frustration. i would like to say, that behavior persisted today, but not quite. i was not an asshole, but i did think that speed limits were optional as i had places to and people to see. i still feel the relief of the dumping of my resentments, but it has faded into the background as i deal with life on its own terms, which includes selling vapes and cigs tonight, rather than cigars. i will survive and actually get some time to work on the relationships section of my STEP FOUR and i guess i need to look to that ray of HOPE instead of focusing on what is not. it is time to start moving in that direction remembering that i have a path forward and one that i fully appreciate and am grateful for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞